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13th July 2006, 04:55 PM #1
FIG Woodworks, Gentleman Woodworker
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- 37 Deg, 52. 697' South 145 deg, 15.627' East. Elevation 78M
- Age
- 72
- Posts
- 62
Sorry guys this is for our female brethren
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe.
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13th July 2006, 05:11 PM #2
Deceased
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- East Bentleigh, Melbourne, Vic
- Age
- 68
- Posts
- 180
Maaate!
Who's side are you on?
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13th July 2006, 05:18 PM #3
FIG Woodworks, Gentleman Woodworker
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- 37 Deg, 52. 697' South 145 deg, 15.627' East. Elevation 78M
- Age
- 72
- Posts
- 62
Sorry Steve
Originally Posted by Auld Bassoon
Maaate!
Who's side are you on?
Thought that I would get in-touch with my feminine side today!! :eek:
I know I have let the side down
PhilTwo things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe.
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13th July 2006, 05:26 PM #4
SENIOR MEMBER
- Join Date
- Oct 2005
- Location
- Emu Plains
- Posts
- 409
Why do husbands usually die before their wives?
Because they want to.....Retired member
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13th July 2006, 05:27 PM #5
GOLD MEMBER
- Join Date
- Aug 2002
- Location
- Perth, WA
- Age
- 77
- Posts
- 884
Phil
You have 24 hours to show cause why you should not be indicted for a Code violation.
(Don't even think about trying any smart@rse chap-like defences involving legalese.:mad: This is not the AFL tribunal - it is a jury of your peers comprising all the other members of these forums).Driver of the Forums
Lord of the Manor of Upper Legover
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13th July 2006, 05:33 PM #6
SENIOR MEMBER
- Join Date
- Oct 2005
- Location
- Emu Plains
- Posts
- 409
Seems a shame, really...
230 good posts, only to blow it all with his 231st. It was nice knowing you, Phil. Shame you had to go and get yourself banned like that.....couldn't you have just drifted off without causing a stir?
Retired member
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13th July 2006, 05:38 PM #7
FIG Woodworks, Gentleman Woodworker
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- 37 Deg, 52. 697' South 145 deg, 15.627' East. Elevation 78M
- Age
- 72
- Posts
- 62
Do you mean go out with a bang!! Originally Posted by Felder
Seems a shame, really...
230 good posts, only to blow it all with his 231st. It was nice knowing you, Phil. Shame you had to go and get yourself banned like that.....couldn't you have just drifted off without causing a stir?Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe.
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13th July 2006, 05:41 PM #8
FIG Woodworks, Gentleman Woodworker
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- 37 Deg, 52. 697' South 145 deg, 15.627' East. Elevation 78M
- Age
- 72
- Posts
- 62
Have to go and cook the dinner now and vacuum the floor Diver, Can I appeal for clemency from the ladies?:confused: Originally Posted by Driver
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe.
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13th July 2006, 06:34 PM #9
Retired Marine Engineer
- Join Date
- May 2005
- Location
- Newcastle
- Age
- 73
- Posts
- 1,064
Definate code violation, proberly cooking quiche for tea and wearing a floopy beret and cravat while vacuuming.
Ashore
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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13th July 2006, 06:42 PM #10
Why is it so?
- Join Date
- May 2002
- Location
- in the outer reaches of Sth Oz
- Age
- 75
- Posts
- 228
nearly got me going with the floppy but then I kept reading Originally Posted by Ashore
Definate code violation, proberly cooking quiche for tea and wearing a floopy beret and cravat while vacuuming.
Maybe make him write out 'I will not do this again on pain of expulsion' 1000 times so he can become a diamond girl
SHAME Phil SHAME
PeteWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
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13th July 2006, 06:45 PM #11
FIG Woodworks, Gentleman Woodworker
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- 37 Deg, 52. 697' South 145 deg, 15.627' East. Elevation 78M
- Age
- 72
- Posts
- 62
Problem is I have been off colour lately, definitely not feeling my self maybe thats the problem Originally Posted by fxst
nearly got me going with the floppy but then I kept reading
Maybe make him write out 'I will not do this again on pain of expulsion' 1000 times so he can become a diamond girl
SHAME Phil SHAME
Pete
Phil:confused:Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe.
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13th July 2006, 06:57 PM #12
SENIOR MEMBER
- Join Date
- Aug 2004
- Location
- SA
- Posts
- 170
Hmmmm, have to go against popular opinion here .... I like it!
Greenie for Phil!
Cheers
Tikki
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13th July 2006, 07:00 PM #13
Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2005
- Location
- Adelaide Plains
- Age
- 73
- Posts
- 0
Need swmbo's permission to buy some more woody toys - err, tools for the shed Phil?
Regards,
Barry.
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13th July 2006, 07:02 PM #14
Diamond Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2005
- Location
- Left of the middle
- Age
- 63
- Posts
- 232
Phil, Phil,Phil......
Thats put us back 231 posts??
go to your room and give yourself a right uppercut
100% of all non-smokers die
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13th July 2006, 07:19 PM #15
FIG Woodworks, Gentleman Woodworker
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- 37 Deg, 52. 697' South 145 deg, 15.627' East. Elevation 78M
- Age
- 72
- Posts
- 62
Glad I have some support see guys it doesn't hurt to get in touch with your feminine side every now and then Originally Posted by Tikki
Hmmmm, have to go against popular opinion here .... I like it! Greenie for Phil!
Cheers
Tikki Thanks Tikki
PhilTwo things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe.
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