American Lawyers

[Ashore]

Got this today and thought it may give some a laugh

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[craigb]

That email is so old it's got whiskers.

[scooter]

Dusna matter, loved it, mate


Cheers..............Sean, Oral - funniest for mine

[Rodgera]

Just like me!! olde but always remembered

[JDarvall]

Well, I've never seen it before. Thanks. Good fun.

[Iain]

It is old but well worth recycling..

[Wood Butcher]

I would've loved to be in the court rooms when these were said. Priceless!!

[DavidG]

I had a prosecutor as me (witness in NSW court)
"And how many pieces of mail have you not received".

My reply was "Uh. How am I supposed to know unless I was actually expecting something that did not arrive."

[Daddles]

One of the trials I was a juror on featured the is conversation between the prosecutor and the cop in charge of the investigation.

Lawyer hands cop a video tape: And is this the tape of the interview?
Copper looks at tape ... pauses ... : No
long pause in courtroom.
Lawyer: I'm sorry?
Copper puts tape on the edge of the box: It's the wrong tape.
Judge: And why is this?
Copper: Umm, I left in a hurry and must have grabbed the wrong one.

Jury gets returned to their rooms for an hour.

Trial resumes with a very subdued prosecuting counsel and detective.

Much fun.

Richard

[ss_11000]

some good ones there - all new to me, thanx for posting it

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

liked that one best

[Shedhand]

Heard 'em so long ago they are hilarious again..I like the last one best..

[Iain]

I was being grilled by ex wifes barrister in the Family Rort (Court).
As I used to spend a lot of time in court with work cross examinations never really bothered me that much and this peanut was getting frustrated because I didn't, the final straw was this statement:
Him. Mr L, you strike me as being quite an intelligent person.
Me. Thankyou, I would return the compliment but I am under oath.

Reprimand from Magistrate to be less frivolous and for Barrister to change his line of questioning.
I actually read the line in a book somewhere amd thought it was funny, never thought I would get the opportunity to use it.

[DanP]

A magistrate hears a contest for indecent language where the deft has used the word 'Fcking' in a public place. Th informant in X examination states that he was offended by the use of the word. Mag immediately stops the informant and dismisses the case, stating that any person working in the justice dept could not possibly be offended by the use of that word. Calls the next case.

Orderly walks out to call the new deft into court. Returns a minute later and says, "No fcking appearance your worship" :eek: