Employee evaluations

[Tristan Croll]

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely
a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot
was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

and...

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager
goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing
worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take
almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he
does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her
duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The
"Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman
he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up
the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the
problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up
from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just
hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of
fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the
new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

[Gino]

Good one Tristan

loved the tickle me elmo joke.
I once worked with a Welsh guy with a bit of an accent, he went into a shop and asked the lady if she had any Texta colours.
And the lady was taken back a little at first because she thought he was asking her if she had any Testicals instead.
(He had to repeat the question several times before she finally understood.)

[Iain]

This is a true one, heard it when in the US. A women in a crowded general store asked the elderly attendant, vocco sotto (sp), if he had any tampax, he drifted to the other side of the store and yelled back 'do you want the ones you push in with your thumb or the ones you hammer in?' poor woman nearly died. He was looking at thumb tacks.

[This message has been edited by Iain (edited 16 November 2000).]