You haven't had enough coffee until you can
thread a sewing machine while it's running.

You cannot stop the ongoing love affair
between pasta sauce and your clothing.

An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother
threw out, and you are now buying back.

I want one of those jobs where people ask,
"Do you actually get paid to do this?"

Men say that women should come with instructions,
but have you ever seen a man read instructions?

I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down and had to use
my arms to get back up ... so close enough. Now I need chocolate!

When a habit begins to cost money, it is called a hobby.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think
was "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me."