Tommy Cooper one liners

[simon c]

Here are some absolute classics:

A selection from Tommy Cooper:

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are
too high".

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it".

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start".

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. The
other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine' So that
was nice".

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more".

[Driver]

22. There's a feller standing at a bus stop. He's got three eyes, no arms and one leg. The bus pulls up. The conductor looks the feller up and down and says

"Aye,aye,aye. You look 'armless. Hop on".

Tommy Cooper was the funniest man who ever lived. Nobody else could get away with telling gags like this one but when he told them, the audience just fell about.