Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cranbourne West
    Age
    72
    Posts
    0

    Default Preparing for children

    FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

    Test 1: Preparation
    Women: To prepare for pregnancy
    1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
    2. Leave it there.
    3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

    Men: To prepare for children
    1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help themselves.
    2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
    3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

    Test 2: Knowledge
    Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

    Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

    Test 3: Nights
    To discover how the nights will feel:
    1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
    2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
    3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
    4. Set the alarm for 3am.
    5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
    6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
    7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
    8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
    9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
    10. Make breakfast.
    Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

    Test 4: Dressing Small Children
    1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
    2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
    Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

    Test 5: Cars
    1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
    2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
    3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
    4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
    5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

    Test 6: Going For a Walk
    * Wait.
    * Go out the front door.
    * Come back in again.
    * Go out.
    * Come back in again.
    * Go out again.
    * Walk down the front path.
    * Walk back up it.
    * Walk down it again.
    * Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
    * Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
    * Retrace your steps.
    * Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
    * Give up and go back into the house.
    You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

    Test 7: Conversations with children
    Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

    Test 8: Grocery Shopping
    1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
    2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat (s) out of your sight.>>
    3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
    Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

    Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old
    1. Hollow out a melon
    2. Make a small hole in the side
    3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side>>
    4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.>>
    5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.>>
    6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

    Test 10: TV
    1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
    2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

    Test 11: Mess
    Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
    1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
    2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
    3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
    4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

    Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers
    1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.
    (Important Note: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.)
    2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
    You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

    Test 13: Conversations
    1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
    2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
    You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

    Test 14: Getting ready for work
    1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
    2. Put on your finest work attire.
    3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
    4. Stir
    5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
    6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
    7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
    8. Do not change (you have no time).
    9. Go directly to work.
    To grow old is inevitable.... To grow up is optional

    Confidence, the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation.

    What could possibly go wrong.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Grange, Brisbane
    Age
    53
    Posts
    44

    Default

    If only it were that easy!
    Cheers, Richard

    "... work to a standard rather than a deadline ..." Ticky, forum member.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Perth
    Age
    58
    Posts
    0

    Default

    This should be written on the labels of alcopop bottles!
    Graeme

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Dundowran Beach
    Age
    77
    Posts
    0

    Thumbs up


  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shed (Penola SA)
    Age
    46
    Posts
    0

    Default

    BRILLIANT

  6. #6
    rrich Guest

    Default

    The boys are 38 and 40.

    It really brings back memories!

    Superb!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Munruben, Qld
    Age
    84
    Posts
    0

    Default

    Great GJ. I wish I had that advice 40 years ago.
    Reality is no background music.
    Cheers John

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Northern Sydney
    Age
    49
    Posts
    0

    Default

    I have one 6 yo, one 3 yo and another 2 months away... all too true, i'm afraid!


    Quote Originally Posted by bookend View Post
    This should be written on the labels of alcopop bottles!
    Now that would be a cool govt warning

Similar Threads

  1. Preparing to lay floor tiles (preparing bed)
    By Fernando in forum TILING
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 14th November 2007, 08:08 AM
  2. Children
    By Baz in forum JOKES
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 7th September 2006, 09:28 PM
  3. Children
    By Gino in forum JOKES
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 21st February 2006, 11:39 PM
  4. Get Serious Children!
    By DPB in forum HAVE YOUR SAY
    Replies: 60
    Last Post: 21st February 2006, 06:55 PM
  5. Children
    By RETIRED in forum JOKES
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 21st September 2005, 09:38 AM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •