A friend needs help..marriage problems.

[dai sensei]

Been there, done that, twice It is better to work towards staying together, but she sounds like she has already made up her mind, so your friend has some rough times ahead. As others have said, stay calm, be reasonable and get a legal setlement.

On the % question, rough rule is 50% + 10% for each child, but that includes your super. As you can't cash in your super until your retire, the % can go negative on the liquid assets, at which point you can apeal for fairness. Lawyers will drain the accounts and can often cause you even more grief, but it is worth getting at least advice as the laws change and it is always better to be in an informed position.

[dazzler]

Bad spot you are in as your mate is asking for advice but might not like the answer. I think you should tell him what you think as you may be his only support.

My 2c is if she doesnt care for him anymore then its move on time. May as well both start over and be happy. Just accept it without blame and move on. There are heaps of single/seperated people out there and its only a matter of time that he will meet someone else and forget this one.

Unless there are skeletons in the closet that we dont know about it would seem like there should be no need for agro or anger so your mate can be sympathetic to HER plight and make it a smooth transition.

Agree its over - no blame - crap happens. Life is about to get complicated.

Take a week off. Relax, get your thoughts together, hit the town, add liberal doses of late night bedroom gymnastics, write a list of what you want to have after the divorce.

Your mate needs to get on the front foot as mr helpful. Sit down with the ex and go through what you want to achieve. The law courts have moved towards shared custody of the children so if he can show that he wants to work with this then he should be okay. Can they sell the house and buy two townhouses in the same complex. A few dads have done this and the courts love it. Kids can wander between the two homes whenever they want. This helps keep 28% of his wage in his pocket.

Best of luck for him.

[Rossluck]

but find a good counsellor, that both parties can trust. .

Mmmmmm. Good luck with that.

[dazzler]

Mmmmmm. Good luck with that.

One of those 'girls that like girls' ones

[Master Splinter]

If I was advising myself (in a similar situation 5 years ago), I would say kick the soon-to-be-ex-wife out of the house right now - do not let her make the first move, change the locks and deny her access to the house. Have a removalist pack up her personal belongings and deliver them to wherever she manages to find a place to live.

Sounds harsh, but there is still considerable 'female first' inherent bias in the family courts, as well as counter-intuitive interpretations of property splitting.

The old 'possession is 9/10s of the law' saying is oh-so-true. Too many men try to 'do the right thing' - and end up getting screwed by both the ex and the legal process because they took a fair position to begin with.

Write a letter (through a solicitor) stating that you will be putting the house on the market, but until then, you cannot bear the thought of being in the same dwelling as her, and offer her visitation to the kids one day a fortnight (that's all you'd get as a guy in a court judgement, so why should she get any different).

Claim maintennance (after all, she'd do the same to you) and take your time getting the house on the market (the partner in residence is responsible for paying the mortgage...just switch the loan to interest only, and keep in mind that the courts don't seem to set a timeframe for selling the house; in my case it took the ex four years to sell).

Typically, if it ends up in court you are looking at about $30,000 - $40,000 per party; however paying this much to see your kids more than once a fortnight (even having, heaven forbid, shared care) is a small cost if you ask me.

After my experiences with the system, I'll never look at one of those tragic family murder/suicides in the same way again; I can see the sorts of pressures that drive men to do that sort of thing, horrible though it is.

(Donations to my legal fund gratefully accepted!)

[kekemo]

>>>>>>>"Take a week off. Relax, get your thoughts together, hit the town, add liberal doses of late night bedroom gymnastics">>>>>

WOW... that's a good one..... love it.... should be manditor for each couple who experience problems........ hate to say it though ... usually he or she has just done that with someone else... & thats what the problems stem from....LOL

2nd bit.... Best piece of advice I've every read....
<<<<>>>

.......that's a reality shocker.... yes think what you risk... before you play the game of chances.... cause chance are YOU'LL BOTH LOOSE....

[johnc]

Best advice is to keep your nose out of it and simply be there for your mate. At the point he is at some make a go of it but most end up apart. In the end both end up worse off and no ones happy, both will feel screwed, and there is little they can do about it.

If he breaks up tell him to keep talking to the ex and stay as nice as possible and get the property settlement ASAP, if he doesn't keep your mouth shut, least both of your feet get caught in it. After the settlement he can be himself.

[Harry72]

"His wife of 15 years has told him that she no longer cares for him."

Too me that says one thing...