Natal Curry Contest

[wheelinround]

NATAL CURRY CONTEST



If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no

hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a

Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ????, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to ???? myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ???? with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a

can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this

stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit

of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.
>>

[Tankstand]

Always good for shedding a few tears!

Have read similar in the past.

[Fuzzie]

Reminds me of a time we went to the British Mid East Sporting and Dining Club (Durban 1978 or there abouts). My work colleagues had been spending way too much time eating and drinking there.

After we ordered the usual Taj Prawn curry we thought something might have been wrong when the entire staff filed out and lined up behind the table to watch us eat. Also thought it was strange the Taj came out looking dark green instead of the usual red colour.



Maybe they used a can of Selina's green chillies.

In any case I left Oz not knowing what a curry was, I returned home having withdrawal and had to learn to cook them myself because I couldn't find a decent curry restaurant in Melbourne back then!

[pawnhead]

Reminds me of the time the boys on the NRL footy show ate some really hot chillies and their heads nearly exploded. Funny as!

I like a bit of chili and chili powder. Problem is, the more you eat, the more you need to get that hot flush/ runny nose/ watery eyes syndrome. You build up a bit of an immunity to it after a while.

[echnidna]

But after eating a lot of Chilli for a week or so your B.O takes on a Pakistani odour.

[Allan at Wallan]

The first time I tried chilli was on a pizza in Carlton.
I asked to have chilli powder on it and the bloke just
sprinkled a tiny bit on it. Whilst not wanting to appear
greedy I asked that he place a bit more on as I wanted
to really get the taste of it.

He sprinkled a liberal amount on and I went back to
my office with my pizza and a can of Coke.

One mouthful of the pizza and I was in deep trouble
.... I had never tasted anything so hot. With no more
money in my pocket to buy something different I was
committed to finishing it.

By the time I was a quarter finished my can of Coke
was empty and I was in a lather of sweat. When I
finally finished the pizza my lips were numb and my
upper lip had a distorted twist ... so much so that I
could not answer my phone as the lips were no
longer operative.

I wrote a note to my second-in-charge and asked that
he answer my phone for a while. It was the best part
of an hour before I could talk properly.

Nevertheless I really enjoy my chillies nowadays and
grow the jalapeno variety in my garden.

Allan

__________________________________________

I am not at all worried about dying
... but just hope I am not there at the time.

[silentC]

When I'm in Sydney for work, I stay with some friends in Haberfield. I like to cook them dinner once or twice while I'm there as a thank you. One night I decided to do a bouillabaise, so I went up to Market Town at Leichhardt to buy all the fish and veggies for it. Last time I cooked it, I bought these small red chillies, about 2" long. They were pretty mild, I had put in three but not got much of a kick out of them. I found some similar looking ones and thought I'd better put in four.

Back at the house, I chopped up the garlic and chillies and heated up the pan. I threw in the garlic and got a nice aroma. Just then the lady of the house walked in with the kids: "ooh, that smells nice", then in went the chillies. Holy Mother of God! Both of us started choking and the kids went running from the room screaming. It was like someone had opened a can of mustard gas. Nobody could breathe. The exhaust fan over the stove vents through the cupboard above and all it had done was taken the fumes and spread them through the room. We had to vacate the kitchen, stand outside with watering eyes and wait for the air to clear before it was safe to go back in. All she could say was "are you trying to kill the children?"

Fortunately I think most of the bite went up the flue and it didn't taste too bad - nice bit of kick. But I treat those things with respect now - they can kill you if you're not careful.

[Bleedin Thumb]

As kids in Qld we used to bring tiny birdseye chillies into school and squeeze them onto unsuspecting pupils pens then sit back and wait.

These chillies are so potent the victim, after placing the pen in their mouths, would scream and race out of the class to the nearest bubbler, completely ignoring the teachers protestations.

The downside of this little trick was that you would be guaranteed of getting some on your own fingers so when you went to wipe away the inevitable tears of laughter you would blind yourself and quickly stumble after the victim towards the bubblers screaming blue murder.

[knucklehead]

When I was a kid we had a school bully that made a habit of snatching lunch's out of a kids hands and stuffing it his mouth before you could do anything.
On one occasion he went so far as to take all of my food for the day.....
enough is enough!


The CHILLY REVENGE is planned.
Next day quietly sitting on a bench with an opened packet of chips (considered unresistable bait). The chips had been very well coated with freshly picked chilly juice.
The bully in question rushes over grabs the bag of chips and shovels a handful of chips straight in the his mouth.......slight pause......pained expression..........mushed up chips explode out........down on hands and knees vomiting.

He didn't ever steal my lunch again (but he did shoot me in the leg with an air-rifle the next weekend).

[joe greiner]

Hard to tell which is worse, chili juice in the eye (BTDT), or shot with an air rifle. I think I'd prefer the air rifle.

McSorley's Old Ale House in New York City (established around 1850, near Cooper Union IIRC) serves/served a platter of saltines, cheese and onions, with specially prepared mustard - lots of horseradish, and God knows what all else. The first time you try it, you WILL cry like a baby. Damn near blew the top of my head off.

Joe

[rod@plasterbrok]

My first Chilli experience was as a 6 year old. Being from a farm in Tassie it was meat and veg. We never experienced any other food types.

We went on a family trip to Melbourne and my father spotted chilli sauce and though he should try something exotic.

Back home and with steak for tea, the old man decided he should try the chilli sauce.

He piled it on like he would tomato sauce!

First bite he exploded. He pushed the table one way and the chair the other in his rush for the tap.

I will never forget it. I felt soooo sory for him LOL.

[silentC]

And of course everybody knows someone who has mistaken wasabi for guacamole

[wheelinround]

And of course everybody knows someone who has mistaken wasabi for guacamole

Had a real nice Tassie wasabi cheese on the weekend

Then during the week LOML made Luksa had to open all the doors to clear out as we were chocking from the luksa paste cooking .