A Curry Tasters Report

[Phil Spencer]

A Curry Tasters Report

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

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Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy sh*t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

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Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE:Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p*ss off a thistle.

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Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

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Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bi*ch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

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Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

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Curry # 6:Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my ars*hole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*s with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my ars*hole will go down for a drink of water.

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Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

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Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report )

[Ian007]

this has to be one of the funniest things ive read in a while

I love it.

[DavidG]

Sounds a bit like my first trip to Indonesia many years ago.
Padang food................................. :eek:

[Ianab]

Hmmm.. I cook most of those recipes...

Substitute Paul for the Mother in Law.....

Not that I'd ever do that...

[Grunt]

They sound more like chilli recipes rather than curry recipes.

I can relate to it.

[AlexS]

Sounds a bit like my first trip to Indonesia many years ago.
Padang food................................. :eek:

Had an Indonesian fish dish which claimed to be cooked in a hot coconut milk sauce.

The fish tasted nice & spicy, but certainly not too hot. Then I ate some of the sauce by itself. That stuff is Chernobyl strength! Raised blisters on my lips.

[DavidG]

AlexS
My intro was Padang cooking where they put all the little dishes on the table and you pay for those you eat.
Well there where these cubes of redish looking meat.
I grabbed one and put it straight into my mouth and bit in.

(mistake 1 - The red colour is from the meat being cooked in pure chilli juice from lots of nice fresh cut up chilli).

The fire started, growing in intensity.
Sweat started running off my forhead.
My eyes started to water and burn.

Unfortunatly I was with a group of people and could not just spit it out but had to finish chewing it and then swallow.

I grabbed the ice water and swallowed some.

(Mistake 2)
Iced water only seems to make the chilli hotter and certainly does NOT reduce the pain.

ps It burns just as hot coming out as when it goes in.
pps My new asian wife was p.....g her self laughing at me.

[javali]

They sound more like chilli recipes rather than curry recipes.

Here is the chili version: http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/chilijudge.htm

[AlexS]

(Mistake 2)
Iced water only seems to make the chilli hotter and certainly does NOT reduce the pain.

Correct. Olive oil is the way to reduce the pain.

Had a meal at the home of Burmese friends with some Burmese trainees we had working with us. Lots of tasty dishes that you just helped yourself from, including those small chillis that will blow your head off. The trainees were eating them like salted peanuts!

[echnidna]

Correct. Olive oil is the way to reduce the pain.

So is sipping a glass of milk.

Or Grappa,
The grappa doesn't really cool for long but after a couple you're feeling happy enough to say "hot - who cares"

Love grappa and hot italian sausage, perfect combo.

[Grunt]

Yohgurt works too. Always order A raita with you hot curry. Sour cream is the thing for them hot Mexican chilli dishes.

Beer is a requirement with hot dishes. Doesn't help with the cooling of the mouth but tastes damn good.

[doug the slug]

Sounds a bit like my first trip to Indonesia many years ago.
Padang food................................. :eek:

i spent a lot of time in Indonesia when i was in teh army, never got to Padang but theres this place in the main drag of yogyakarta..........well i guess it was my own fault really, the first time i went there they asked how i liked the food and i told them i thought they had tamed it down a bit cos im an aussie,nad they invited me to come back the following night for a free feed. it was absolutely delicious, and the heat didnt really hit for about half an hour. lets just say it was an experience and im sure i had no intestinal parisites for quite some time

[echnidna]

Chilli also kills cold and flu germs fast too.