Blatant cut and paste......

[Christopha]

This is supposed to be an actual British complaint letter. The piece suggests two things:

1) Australians and Americans are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).

2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.


Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat xxxx waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.

HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it - and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy -pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NT and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,

Robert Stokes

[simon c]

Hi christopha, you're right about the british writing letters of complaint. This is quite a famous one.

Simon

HOTEL SOAP OPERA
Attached is actual correspondence which occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times.
---------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman


--------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.
--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,

Dotty
--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our Maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

[hexbaz]

Dear Sirs,

Last month my wife and I visited your village, and were struck by a tourist attraction labelled "Ye Olde Wishing Well". We decided to make use of this facility, so I put in 1p and made a wish; my wife put in 2p and did similarly.

To my great surprise, my wife did not vanish instantly in a puff of blue smoke. It is also clear from the way she looked at me, and said, "Don't you feel at all sick?" that her wish wasn't granted either.

We naturally assumed that the wishes would therefore take some time to deliver, and waited the usual 28 days. However nothing seems to have happened, and I am therefore writing to ask for a refund, as it is clear that your wishing well is faulty. No doubt the engineers are already making repairs to it, and if so I must request that my wish be fulfilled as soon as possible.

It is of course possible that the wishing-well has a minimum fixed charge, but this was not evident from the sign, and so my lawyers tell me that you have no case. I await your response.

Yours sincerely,

[hexbaz]

Mr J. Blackwell
Managing Director
PMV Cars
Premier Motor Vehicles UK plc
Exeter
EX15 9BC

Re: PV450 series
Registration Number: HY03 TMK

Dear Mr. Blackwell,

Some time ago you issued an urgent recall notice regarding the seat belt buckles of the PV450 series. As I am no longer the owner of the car, I was tempted to ignore the notice, save myself some time and wish the poor sod who bought the vehicle "good luck".

However, I feel that you and senior management at the manufacturing centre should be made aware why I disposed of the expensive motorcar. It most certainly was not because of some suspect seat buckles.

In my opinion the PV450 range should have been recalled the moment they fell off the production line. Here follows an account of my 12 months PMV vehicles experience during which I covered a mere 2,100 miles.

1. The fitted alarm, a disaster supreme: sirens and lights went off frequently when operating the remote control. I was told by your local experts that the security code was extremely long and sophisticated and it required pressing the button for at least one second. Horse-feathers: my present vehicle's code is just as long, it can even dead-lock the doors and has not once produced a false alarm. The alarm also went off for no reason at all whilst driving down the High Street - a rather embarrassing experience in a vehicle of such calibre. On another occasion, the interior lights illuminated during travel and without an obvious reason, though when reaching home and opening the driver's door, all hell broke loose. I was unable to shut the alarm off, much to the amusement of the neighbourhood. Your local dealer, was called out on countless occasions and there will be a record of the vehicle's history on file.
2. Right from the first day the rear seat unit produced an irritating rattle. You tried over several days to find a remedy, but without much success, yet they still returned the vehicle to me. Since my local chemist did not run a special promotion on ear-plugs, I returned the car to you and was told that a new rear seat assembly would be required. Whether this was fitted or not, a week later the irritating noise was less obvious but still noticeable to an extent that would have made a Lada salesman blush.
3. I made as little use of the vehicle as possible - the alarm was a bit of a deterrent - but I was slightly stumped when one day the battery failed to start the car. You did your bit again, I was given further expert opinion that the sophisticated electronics needed regular driving and 10 days rest was bad for the battery. I pointed out that I was not prepared to lug around a 10 kg battery every time I left the car at an airport for the duration of a short business trip. My fears of having to charge up the battery in foreign hotel rooms were unfounded, the battery was found to have two faulty cells. A replacement rectified the not too small inconvenience.
4. Occasionally it rains in the United Kingdom. Imagine my surprise when one day I opened the passenger door and found ½ centimetre of water on the floor sill. The same water level could be found in the off-side rear compartment and further back into the load area. This amazing discovery was followed by another invigorating week for the vehicle at your service area. Just as well I have two reliable cars by different manufacturers at my disposal.
5. By this time, and I trust you will not be offended by the thought, I had decided to sell the car. Three expensive adverts in the Sunday Times resulted in only one luke-warm enquiry and no sale, though, out of the blue a local person showed some interest in the pile of junk. Desperate to make a sale, I washed the car and even brushed out the immaculate interior. That was when I found a piece of plastic on the driver's floor. I picked it up and viewed it in amazement: it was the most crudely crafted piece of plastic I have ever come across - an accelerator pedal. Even found the plastic (yes, plastic!!) coupling to fix the pedal to the metal - now here is a reason for recall if you ever needed one! How about a bit of off-roading in Sloane Square (London, U.K.) with the pedal falling off?
   
   By the way, the local interest in the vehicle ended in no sale.
6. The American style handbrake or "parking brake" indicates clearly that nobody had ever envisaged the PV450 to be used off-road with perhaps the exception of a Tesco's mother- and-child-only parking bay. I certainly would be unhappy to have to make use of such a contraption on the snow-covered roads of the Italian Dolomites.
7. The leather seats were designed for Sudanese brass monkeys or Americans. They gave no hold and were by far the most uncomfortable seats I have experienced outside the cathedral of the Holy Virgin in Galway (Republic of Ireland).
8. There is also the extreme use of cheap plastic in a vehicle of such a renowned past: the little handle which opens the bonnet will most likely not last for the third oil-change, the pitiful rear ashtrays (though I do not smoke) would never meet the stringent quality requirements of a give-away in a cornflakes box, the cupholders were surely designed by a brainless imbecile.
9. In a last attempt to impress my clients with my car and in order to curtail my losses to a minimum, I contacted your sales director, Mrs Yvonne Wilson and checked out the latest PV450 series which by now had been improved and built by Austrians. Mrs. Wilson was fully aware of the history of my vehicle and expressed her sympathy with words to the effect " the quality one expects of owning a PMV" and that she would contact me. That was during December 2003. Last words of wisdom!

My patience came to an end and I have since bought another vehicle from a different manufacturer, the eighth in my ownership and a vehicle, which gives me the confidence to attempt to leave the periphery of Exeter. Though I miss the Bose hi-fi unit of the PV450...

I thought you might be interested in my humble opinion of the pile of junk which has lost me more than £ 10,000 in such a short time of ownership and just over 2,100 miles. It is my hope that somebody at Mercedes PMV will remember how the word "quality" was spelled just a few years ago. It might also be prudent to clarify the expression "off-road" to your customers as in the case of the PV450 it is more likely to entail the hospitality and bad coffee at one of your many dealerships.

Yours sincerely,

Edmund Nägele, FRPS
(Edmund Nägele is a Fellow of the Royal Photographic Society of Great Britain)

[echnidna]

The trouble with those letters is that they are just too nice.
To get action you must breathe fire and scare hell out of the enemy.

[Caliban]

The trouble with those letters is that they are just too nice.
To get action you must breathe fire and scare hell out of the enemy.

Dave
The British have their own set of rules concerning etiquet and manners and to spit the dummy as we Aussies are wont to do just wouldn't be cricket.Wot!
But I agree with you. I enjoyed reading the letters though, especially the soap one.
Chris
Well spotted old man.

[Sturdee]

The trouble with those letters is that they are just too nice.
To get action you must breathe fire and scare hell out of the enemy.

I fully agree, if they are complaint letters no wonder they have no effect.

May be British but absolutely useless.


Peter.

[echnidna]

An absolute lack of manners and unpredictability are the best weapons of attack, as well as being right of course.

[simon c]

May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,

Did people really think this letter was nice, British, refined etiquette?

S

[Christopha]

Did people really think this letter was nice, British, refined etiquette?

S

I agree, it actually sounds just like the way I talk to Neils' customers at the woodshows.........

[Kev Y.]

I agree, it actually sounds just like the way I talk to Neils' customers at the woodshows.........

Neil allows you to talk!!!!

what next?

Kev

[Geoff Dean]

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered I had to call my wife. I dialled the number and a man answered saying "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Geoff, could I please speak with Tammy?"

The phone was suddenly slammed down on me. I couldn't believe someone could be so rude.

I checked the number I had dialled and realised I had transposed the last two digits of the number.

After hanging up I decided to call the "wrong" number again.

When the same person answered the phone again, I yelled, " You're an a-hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word a-hole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of days, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him.

He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're and a-hole".

It would always cheer me up.

When caller ID came to my area, I thought my therapeutic "a-hole" calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said. Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm just calling to see if you are familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled "NO" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "Thats because you're an a-hole!"

About 3 weeks later I went to Safeway to do the grocery shopping. As I was about to pull into a parking spot some a-hole in a blue Commodore cut me off and took the last spot I had been patiently waiting for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot, but he just give me the middle finger and kept going. I noticed a For Sale sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A few days later, right after calling the first a-hole ( I now had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call Commodore a-hole as well.

I dialled and someone said, "Hello".

I said, "Do you have a blue Commodore for sale?"

He replied, " Yes I do."

"Could you tell me where I could look at it?"

"Yes I live at 27 Hume Street, Wodonga. It is a green house and the car is parked out the front.

"What is your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen" he replied.

"When is a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I am home every night after five."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you are an a-hole!"

Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial.

Now when I had a problem, I had two a-holes to call.

After about 2 months of calling them every couple of days it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So I came up with and idea. I called a-hole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an a-hole!" (but I didn't hang up)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me." he screamed.

"Make me." I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen." I replied.

"Yeah, well if I knew where you lived, you would be in a sh*tload of trouble, Don."

"I live at 27 Hume Street, Wodonga, what are you going to do about It?'

"I'm coming over right now, and you had better start saying your prayers."

I then called a-hole #2

"Hello" he said.

"Hello a-hole," I said.

He yelled " If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I replied.

"I'll fix it so you never call anyone an a-hole again." he said.

I replied " It must be your lucky day, a-hole, because I am coming over right now."

I then called the Police and said that I was going over to 27 Hume Street to kill my gay lover.

I then called Win News and Prime News and told them about the huge fight in Hume Street.

Then I got in my car and headed over to Hume Street, where I saw two a-holes beating the crap out of each other with 6 police cars screaming to a halt in front of them and two news crews to capture it on film for me.

Now I feel much better.

[Jeff]

MAGNIFICENT!!

Geoff Dean you're the KING! A new standard to aspire to. You've opened so many doors, all those as'''ho''s out there ripe for the setup! I'll have years of fun with this!!!!!

[Termite]

Geoff Dean. I don't have to ask you mate that was good.