What wood is that?

[Hartley]

I thought this might be the best place to bring up this subject. One of the first questions we usually get asked is ... "What wood is that?"
When I don't know I'm usually quick enough to come up with
"beenatree" (sorry Ray).
A few months ago one of our club members copped the question and as quick as a flash replied ..
"treewood".
Anybody got other great names for those unknown timbers we use???

[S Hayward]

We once had a customer who asked one of our sales guys if a particular timber in question was a rainforest timber. After a few seconds thought the reply was " not any more" !
Not politically correct but seemed a fair enough answer.
Another recent funny related to Blackwood. As many would know, Blackwood can vary in colour tremendously, even in the one board. A lady customer was trying to choose a timber for her benchtop edges in her kitchen. Same sales guy shows her four or five sticks of Blackwood with a lot of variation and she exclaims " how am I supposed to choose a colour from that? " The reply was " you are choosing a timber maddam, not a colour. If you would like it all one colour, Laminex Industries is just down the road. " Ah the importance of informing the client well. Nothing worse than having the timber or job brought back because the timber dared to have some variation the customer was not expecting.
Don't get caught.
Regards
Shaun

[Great Poo Bear]

Plankus uvwoodus
Peenus radiatus
Wasatree
Deadus woodus
****umwood
Gummus deadus redus
Blackus woodus lightii clouorus
Blackus woodus darkii clouorus
Blackus woodus deadii
Blackusbuggerii ebony

Fis is just a small part of "Poos Dickshunary of Offishul Wood Namez" avalubal in monfley installments from newsagants and good bookshops evreywear for onley a lot of pownds a weak wif a doun payment of therty pownds an you onley hav to sine up for a free (3) yeer sudskripshun.

From th 10 acker wood fis is the Great Poo Bear, sending you all big bear huggies.

Poo

SP jest joakin bout th book ut isn even reel cos i made ut all up cos todays my pretend day and fats wot i am doin i am pretendin fat i roat a book an its called wot i said up thear in the top riting bit i bet i foold you didnti.

[RETIRED]

Many years ago when I did craft shows and that sort of thing a bloke had been extolling the virtues of his own ability at turning and all things pertaining to woodwork. You know the sort, an arrogant bloody know all.

He asked what sort of timber a particular bowl was made from, and I being more than a litle peed off by this time just answered "idunno". His next query and statement 5 mins later, "It feels like a hardwood, doesn't it?"

My answer "bloody hard"

Anyway he toddles off to annoy the bloke next to me. 20 mins later he's back with his mate.
Double trouble thinks I. The eyes roll in the head, I mutter a silent prayer for a lightning bolt for him or me, I don't care.

He starts telling his mate all about this bowl, describing how it was made and what chucking methods I may have used (to quote the King of Siam in the King and I) etc.etc.etc.etc., but what really made me laugh was he told his mate that it was an extremely hard, rare and old timber from inside China called the Dunnoo tree.

The look on his mates face told it all as he smilingly said, "Bulls..t!!!!!!! It's Norfolk Pine and Robbos got a shed full of it.

I hasten to add that that feller still won't talk to me. There is a god.

------------------
Ian () Robertson
"We do good turns every day"

[Hartley]

Thank's Great Poo Bear for your learned knowledge. What a great command of botanical tree names you have. Now I shall never be lost for a reply to that 'universal question'.
And , don't turn religious on us now!!!

Hartley.