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  1. #1
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    Oct 2002
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    Default Australia Day - A Bit Late but worth a read

    Happy Australia Day.

    We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
    wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from
    New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we
    reserve the right to ***** and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

    We are One Nation but divided into many States.

    First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
    Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day
    and big horse races. It's capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch
    is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
    think it is too bloody cold and wet.

    Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
    books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. It's capital Sydney, has
    more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
    mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep
    the left and right sides of their brains separate.

    Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
    that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
    chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
    faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
    Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
    foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where
    else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
    Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
    Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
    drivers to sleep at the wheel.

    Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim
    to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the
    men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
    state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in
    government.

    The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
    stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty
    kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere
    on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
    anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national
    culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way
    to Bali.

    Finally, there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
    document defining a nation of half- arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that
    God probably made Queensland, as it's beautiful one day and perfect the
    next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

    Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and
    turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust
    for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a
    rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Syd-a-nee is better than
    Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party
    (albeit a redneck gun toting one) can get one million votes and still not
    win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that
    to our Pommy immigrants.

    We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
    mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so
    what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love
    sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race
    and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the
    sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo
    shooting, two up and horse racing.

    We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed
    Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get
    to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank
    doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras - but chain the pens to the
    desk.

    Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
    ****** by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
    sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

    I am, you are, we are Australian!

    P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!
    No other country has this distinction! HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26,
    2005.
    Perhaps it is better to be irresponsible and right, than to be responsible and wrong.
    Winston Churchill

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2003
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    South Oz, the big smokey bit in the middle
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    Default

    Oh Barnsey, Barnsey, Barnsey. You MUST stop drinking XXXX and change to Coopers or Southwark mate. It's doing strange things to your thinking. The reason God created Qld and then filled it with dickheads is because it's a punishment camp :eek:

    And I wonder, if your section on our politics didn't deserve a reference to our habit of recycling party leaders - it doesn't make sense, doesn't help and if not a unique characteristic, can be dressed as one. My favourite political comment goes back a few years now, and sadly can't be used any more, but they used to refer to parliament house in Canberra as the aviary ... because it had a Hawke, a Peacock and a mob of galahs.

    pooh - I'm going out to sand my boat.

    Richard

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Garvoc VIC AUSTRALIA
    Posts
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Daddles
    Oh Barnsey, Barnsey, Barnsey. You MUST stop drinking XXXX and change to Coopers or Southwark mate. It's doing strange things to your thinking. The reason God created Qld and then filled it with dickheads is because it's a punishment camp :eek:
    Richard
    Totally agree with your comments Barnsey but keep away from the Southwark - it'll curdle your brain properly.
    Regards, Bob Thomas

    www.wombatsawmill.com

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2003
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    South Oz, the big smokey bit in the middle
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    Quote Originally Posted by echnidna
    Totally agree with your comments Barnsey but keep away from the Southwark - it'll curdle your brain properly.
    Ha! Ha! Thems fiting werds thems is. :mad: Howw can you make sech a ridicc err widddic errr bloody silly comment? :eek: Cwipes. I bin dinnkin da stufff for ....... :confused: a lonnng time and I'se as normall as anywun - welll Christopha anyway.

    Rishard
    er
    Witchard
    er
    Wretched
    er
    RIchardd
    er fuggit
    ME!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Tin Can Bay, Queensland, Australia
    Age
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    64

    Default

    They say there is no such thing as bad beer, some are just better than others. With regard to Southwark & Coopers - well lets just say anything is better
    Perhaps it is better to be irresponsible and right, than to be responsible and wrong.
    Winston Churchill

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Minbun, FNQ, Australia
    Age
    66
    Posts
    1

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Daddles
    .... The reason God created Qld and then filled it with dickheads is because it's a punishment camp .....
    Is that why we get soooooo many bludy mexicans moving here every year???? :confused:
    Cliff.
    If you find a post of mine that is missing a pic that you'd like to see, let me know & I'll see if I can find a copy.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Tin Can Bay, Queensland, Australia
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    Default

    Exactly Cliff - that's the punishment bit.

    Richard - Canberra still has the galahs. :eek:

    They should get rid of compulsary voting - it just encourages the baskets. :confused:
    Perhaps it is better to be irresponsible and right, than to be responsible and wrong.
    Winston Churchill

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