The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Driver]

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the ship ....

the crew were wondering why the captain was prowling about the quarterdeck (windward side, of course), with his handy-size patented Captain's All-Purpose Repair Kit clutched in his fist while he gazed intently at a particular patch of sky, low on the portside horizon.

"Quartermaster!" he called.

"Aye, Aye, Sir!" said Seaman Staines (for it was he).

"Steer three points on the North-East quarter!" said the Captain.

"Three points it is, Sir!" quoth Staines.

"And send for the cabin boy! Can't bring his name to mind." said the Captain.

Staines, with a distinctly evil leer, said ...

[RETIRED]

"We are having withdrawal symptoms since that last one was locked up."

Just then an apparition appeared wielding an axe in one hand a giant padlock in the other.

"Oh no" cried Staines. "It is The Lord High Executioner"

On bended knee the whole crew listened as the Voice said, "Now listen you scurvy bunch of fabric ripping, cross dressing, transexual and gender crossing transvestites. If you don't play nicely the axe will be wielded and locks applied."

As he dissappeared from whence he came The crew muttered amongst themselves.

"I think we should

[ozwinner]

"We are having withdrawal symptoms since that last one was locked up."


Was that the cabin boy who was locked up??

Al

[ernknot]

he was knocked up

[ozwinner]

Everyone run!!

Here comes the big axe again!!

Al :eek:

[Driver]

... Staines, of course, was a person of limited imagination and obsessive bent (Bent? Strewth! You can say that again!). He had remained completely oblivious of the Lord High Thingo with his lock and his chopper. Taking his quartermasterly duties very seriously, Staines had continued to set a course three points on the NE quarter. He was also determined to answer his Captain's question:

"Roger!" he muttered emphatically. "His name is Roger!"

The Captain, hearing this, spun round on his heel and ...

[Grunt]

shouted over the roar of the wind in the sails and out of his rectum.

"Roger the cabin boy? Is that a command?" the Captain queried

The Captain then ...

[silentC]

shouted to the crew "hold on to your breeches, boys, here we go again." With that ...

[Iain]

Bates, the ships master ( ) broke up some glass for the ceremonial surgical procedure commonly practised by Rabbi's but in a different manner.........

[Driver]

... "Belay that!" cried the Captain, having espied from the corner of his eye what Bates was up to. "If you're intending a surgical procedure in the vicinity of that crewman's wedding tackle, be so good as to apply the approved unguent."

"What be that, then, Cap'n?" enquired Master Bates, affecting a spurious innocence.

"None other than: ..." the Captain paused for dramatic effect. "MAX FACTOR KNACKER LACQUER!"

With that, the crew, as one, completed the liturgy

"ADDS A LUSTRE TO YOUR CLUSTER!!"

The famous phrase, uttered in unison, caused such excitement among the crew that there was a spontaneous burst of hornpipe dancing all along the starboard maindeck. Keen observers would have noticed a similar exhibition of maritime terpsichory performed in miniature by a team of hamsters, dancing along the taffrail.

"Ahoy, there, Ermintrude!" cried one of the hamsters ...

[HappyHammer]

Ermintrude, taken aback by the cry left a pat on the deck.

"You dirty cow!" shouted the Captain.
"Shutup peg leg or I'll start a mutiny" replied Zebedee defending Ermintrudes honour.
"I couldn't give a flying fick I'm not having cow's taking a shat on my deck." and with that remark the captain plugged Ermintrude with the deck mop to prevent further excretion.

Zebedee......

[ozwinner]

That must be your devil post, all the 666's!! :eek:


HappyHammer
Golden Member



Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Sydney
Age: 35
Posts: 666


Al

[Driver]

and with that remark the captain plugged Ermintrude with the deck mop to prevent further excretion.

Zebedee......

... sprang to her defence. Unfortunately, he sprang with a little too much enthusiasm. With a triumphant "BOING!!" he disappeared over the starboard gunwale.

Now, Dear Reader, it's an unfortunate fact that anyone whose lower anatomy consists of nothing more than a large spring is at a significant disadvantage when suddenly immersed in large quantities of ocean. This is a diplomatic way of conveying to you that we shall see no more of Zebedee in this saga because the poor sod drowned.

"That's got rid of the irritating little sod!" muttered Ermintrude, stepping very carefully along the deck ...

[Grunt]

she failed to see the rope across the deck, over which she tripped breaking her neck. To most people this would be considered to be mildly debiliating however Ermintrude found it ...

[RETIRED]

Oh Children of the Foil, let us pray to the High Priestess Allana from the planet Craporium, for she will smite those who shun the foil.

Gees Grunt. I reckon you might have had a little too much Chrissy cheer or maybe the weeds are growing well up there.