an oldie

[Eastie]

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any problems. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware. Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with Hot Love Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem yourself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be re-installed every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Nova Programme, it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother- in Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS money files before un-installing itself.

[RETIRED]

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, Such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2, Cricket 8.3 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed - Desperate

Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck - Tech Support

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Ian () Robertson
"We do good turns every day"