something about a monkey ...

[Eastie]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy," Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says," No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't suprise me,"replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink,the monkey finds a coctail cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted." Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks."

Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a coctail cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't suprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

[Iain]

Probably the same monkey....
The old pianist was playing honky tonk in the bar and his pet monkey was next to him, a bloke walks into the bar and orders a beer, the barman lines it up and the monkey jumps up onto the bar runs across and pisses in the beer.
The bloke is a bit annoyed and orders another and the same thibg happens again.
This happens four times and the bloke calls the barman over and says 'your monkey in my beer'. It's not mine, says the barman, it belongs to old Fred the piano player.
The bloke wanders over to old Fred who is plonking away at the keys, he leans over and says.'do you know your monkey in my beer'.
Old Fred replies 'No, but hum me the first few bars and I'll pick it up from there'.

[AlexS]

Quite possibly the same monkey, belonged to a bloke who taught it to play the piano. For a long time it was just a pet, he used to take it to pubs ocasionally to show his mates but it never really gave any public performances. However, the blokes mates reckoned it was so good they talked him iinto going to see a theatrical agent.

At first the agent said he had too many animal acts, but eventually he relented and auditioned the monkey. The monk (Thelonius?) really put on a virtuoso performance, playing classical, jazz, blues, rock and everything in between. The agent was impressed, but asked the owner if the monkey could play any louder. The owner apologised, but said that the monkey was a bit old and not really up to playing any louder. "Don't worry," said the agent, "we can always orchestrate him."

The monkey jumped out the window and was never seen again.