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Thread: Resume Hints

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Kentucky NSW near Tamworth, Australia
    Age
    86
    Posts
    1,067

    Default Resume Hints

    Don't know if this has been posted before but is good for a laugh. I found it on an old disk I had.

    Resume Hints
    THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS, allegedly......
    1. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet pogroms.
    2. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
    3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
    4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
    5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
    6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
    7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
    8. Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
    9. I was working for my mum until she decided to move.
    10. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
    commitments.
    11. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
    12. I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to
    respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
    13. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
    in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
    14. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
    15. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
    16. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
    17. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
    never quit a job.
    18. Marital status: often. Children: various.
    19. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
    employers.
    20. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
    21. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

    THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
    1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
    started to dig.
    2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
    3. This associate is really not so much of a "has-been", but more of a
    definitely "won't be".
    4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
    5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
    in a trap.
    6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
    whichever foot was previously in there.
    7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
    achieve them.
    8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
    9. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.

    THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
    1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
    2. A room temperature IQ.
    3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
    4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
    5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
    6. Bright as Alaska in December.
    7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
    8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
    9. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
    10. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
    11. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
    12. This soldier will spend the rest of his service career pushing doors marked pull.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    North Of The Boarder
    Age
    68
    Posts
    0

    Default

    Its a good one Barry haven't seen it for a while

    I hate filling out writing up resumes

  3. #3
    rrich Guest

    Default

    I remember hearing about this some 40+ years ago from a friend in the Personnel deartment.

    On an application, a female aplicant answered the "Sex" question with "Sometimes."

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Nicholls ACT
    Posts
    0

    Default

    How about

    "This Officer has conducted himself to his entire satisfaction"
    I never make mistakes, I thought I did once but I was mistaken

    Top 10 reasons I procrastinate
    1......

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