Daughter rules

[Iain]

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Iain]

Daughters, I've got three of them, I recently congratulated the eldest one on bringing a specimen home who can actually read and write.
The other two prefer horses which in my opinion is better. If I get one who is not tolerant or offensive in any way I can LEGALLY shoot the mongrel.
One son and he is suspect as he plays bloody footy.

[Gino]

To quote my wife what she said a few years back. Our daughter is going to be a lesbian or a nun.
That'll keep her safe.
(she was only joking) though i guess there would be less compications this way.

[AlexS]

As the father of two once-teenage daughters, I have to ask, "What namby-pamby free-lovin liberal wrote this".

[ubeaut]

The only way to bring up a daughter is to have 2 sons then 9 years later have the daughter.

The dating game then goes something like this.
Bob - "Hi Rick, I hear you asked out Catherine."
Rick - "Yeah mate. What a spunk."
Bob - "Do you know she has two very big, very nasty, brothers."
Rick - "Really, oh shyte. Think I'll ask her friend out instead."
Bob - "What? And hurt Catherines feelings. Are you mad? Listen to what I say. SHE HAS TWO BIG SCARY BROTHERS!
Rick - "Yeah man, I hear what you're saying. Guess I'll take her out, be very, very nice and have her home early."

See the fathers job is done and without so much as a word from dad. Apart from the roumers spread by dad that the 2 sons are the meanest, nastiest, toughest, sister protecting lads, ever born. When in truth they are both really SNAG's.

[Pete]

I still like that line from Clueless when the father tells the date "I have a 44 magnum and a shovel out the back..... nobody's gonna miss your sorry ass, so make sure you have my daughter home on time".

If they only made hand guns legal!!!
Pete

[Shane Watson]

Originally posted by Pete:
If they only made hand guns legal!!!
Pete

They are.

[Jim Carroll]

The worst thing about fathers having daughters is that the fathers remember what they were like at that age and all the girls were fair game. Now the boot is on the other foot and all these young virile lads want to do the same

Quote from the blonde
"Its not the boys you have to worry about"

[Rod Smith]

G'day Neil
Thats my wife your talking about there, slight spelling mistake though (Kathleen Ellis). She just had the big scary dad. Only married her so he didn't get upset. Small ceremony, just the one shotgun.
Cheers
Rod