Qantas Repair Division....BRILLIANT!!

[WoodJunky]

What makes these even funnier is that they are real!!

ONLY IN AUSTRALIA!!!

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a university degree to fly a plane but only a TAFE diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe
Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never ever had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny ... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[557]

Thankyou,I havent had such a good laugh in ages.

[artme]

[Christopha]

keerist! Tis was on the friggin' net when Qaintarse was still flying Sopwith Camels!

[Geoff Dean]

What makes these even funnier is that they are real!!

No, and they have been skipping around the internet for about the last 10 yrs, and attributed to nearly every airline in the world.

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a university degree to fly a plane but only a TAFE diploma to fix one.

Not so, an airline pilot does not need a degree or any formal education other than a commercial pilots licence. Plus a minimum of 1500 hours experience.

[joe greiner]

And, to burst another bubble, "never had an accident" isn't quite right, either. Although for a while, Qantas held a superior record close to that for jetliners.

Cheers,
Joe

[Groggy]

Qantas has not had a 'fatal' accident with a jet aircraft. Prior to the jet age Qantas lost 80+ people in various accidents including some aircraft shot down in the war. I think their last fatality was 1951.

They have had 7 or 8 jet accidents but thankfully no-one killed.

[popawisky]

The real meaning of "QANTAS"????????



Quite A Nice Take-off, Any Survivors?

[Pete F]

Yeah sorry guys, it's true they're quite funny, and maybe even originated as genuine entries, but certainly nothing to do with Qantas and if they're genuine they're VERY old. From some of the terminology used I'd suggest they were dreamt up by the US military.

I HAVE seen some quite amusing entries but that was also a LONG time ago. Sadly CASA lost their sense of humour about 20 years ago (some may suggest they had nothing to lose). The log books stay with the aircraft for the duration of its life and you'd get more than your butt kicked if anything like the above was put down on paper.

Don't you just hate a party-pooper

Not so, an airline pilot does not need a degree or any formal education other than a commercial pilots licence. Plus a minimum of 1500 hours experience.

Well not quite right either. For employment with Qantas you need to hold passes in AT LEAST the theory subjects for the issue of an Airline Transport Pilot Licence (ATPL) and hold a current Instrument rating and Commercial Pilot Licence. It's true that because the examining body (CASA) isn't affiliated with any educational institution a person is free to attain the required knowledge any way they choose. That's in contrast to, say a university where they both teach and then examine the subject. However the licence doesn't exactly come printed on a wheeties pack and most people will either complete their courses through the military, correspondence, or formal education. It doesn't matter which path you take as long as you pass the exams. Yes the exams are difficult.

Having said the above, competition is very strong for positions with an airline and most of the younger guys coming through have a degree. About 10 years ago universities began offering Bachelor of Science degrees in aviation and they're quite popular with aspiring airline pilots.

I must admit I'm a bit amused when yet another trivial incident involving Qantas is latched on to by the media and beat up out of all proportion to read the letters to the editor from armchair experts sprouting all manner of opinions. If I get the opportunity to ask I question them if they reckon it's "so easy" to fly a large jet aircraft, the money so good, and the lifestyle so great, why don't THEY do it?

[Ozkaban]

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

I know they're quite old and almost certainly not genuine, but I love this one... every time I read it I chuckle!

Cheers,
Dave

[Avery]

Since when did Qantas aircraft have target radar fitted?