Wank Words

[silentC]

We had a bunch of wanker consultants from the good ole you ess of aay come into our company (IT dept of a major bank) and tell us how to run things. One of the things they used to say was "you have to have some skin on the table". No-one ever knew what it meant, still don't...

[RufflyRustic]

A few buzz phrases from my work lately include:

change management
implications

Departure Lounge!

cheers
RR

[seriph1]

they used to say was "you have to have some skin on the table". No-one ever knew what it meant, still don't...

It means you have to be hands-on apaprently

...or is it hand-on?

[silentC]

Did you Google it? I never thought of that. I always thought it was related to having your nads on the table. It always felt like that anyway

[TassieKiwi]

..hands on it?

[Driver]

How about "passion"?

"We are passionate about cost-control." I knew it was time to get out when some head office wanker said that to me during a meeting a couple of years ago.

The same dill - during the same meeting - several times said: "Talk to me." This was his phrase of choice when someone else was about to explain something. The dialogue went like this

Someone else: "I think I know why that happened ..."
Dill: "Talk to me."
(Pause)
Someone Else: "Well .... (etc)

(I should explain that this was a small meeting - six of us - all of roughly equal status. The dill was not the most senior man in the room and he wasn't chairing the meeting. His verbal tactics were designed to lever the influence and authority his way).

After this had happened several times, the bugger said it to me:

Me: "Here's what is happening in WA ..."
Dill: "Talk to me."
Me: "I'm talking to everyone. Stop interrupting."
Dill: "You must excuse me, you have to understand that we are passionate about cost control."
Me: "In that case, I seriously suggest that you should get out more often. A wider spectrum of interest might help you to stop spouting jargon, too."

I'd like to report that this had some permanent salutary effect on the dill. It didn't. He behaved himself for the rest of that meeting but resumed his irritating habits fairly quickly.

[silentC]

I love the ones who can't pronounce their own buzzwords. We had a guy (g'day Jean-Paul if you are listening) who was elevated to a management position while he was still in nappies. He used to say things like "we have been through a number of iterations in testing and blah blah blah" except he pronounced it 'eye-terations'. Cracked me up every time. He must have read it in a textbook but never heard it said.

[Iain]

You all have to learn to thinbk out side the square!!!!
My Father once disgraced himself at a meeting in the Public Service when they were talking about 'New Directions'.
He suggested it was running around in circles but in the opposite direction.

[Zed]

I suggest you all "get with the program," realise "whos paying the bills," stop " deriving pleasure from the assertations that some folk are less than ept," think "outside the square" with respect to whats "currently up the flagpole" and "get onboard with managament directives" after all we are "all one team".

Understand ? whats wrong with you wankers eh ? dont you understand the Prime Ministers English ? Are youse retarded ?

Big business has not time for you dissidents who cant play the game... :mad:

[Driver]

Have you noticed that pollies in particular but quite a few other people who are frequently interviewed on the telly have developed a nasty habit of emphasising their points by wagging their heads sideways?

This habit amongst the turdbrained must be a result of common schooling. Somewhere in Canberra there are classes they all attend to learn how to conduct themselves during media moments. The PR wankers who run these classes have convinced the turdbrained that head-wagging lends their pronouncements extra gravitas. It doesn't, of course. It merely serves to make them even less plausible than they might previously have seemed.

Watch out for this in the corporate world. Ambitious fast-trackers ape what they see on the telly.

Soon, in a meeting or conference room near you, head-wagging will be evident.

Keep an eye out for this development. It is on its way!

As an antidote and an alternative to Wank Word Bingo (an excellent game, by the way!), you could try this

When a corporate wanker says something inane - declaring his passion for some abstruse concept, for example - and he accompanies his pronunciamento with a judiciously emphatic head-wag, I recommend that you respond thus

"There is something in what you say."

What? - I hear you say. Isn't this providing encouragement to wankers everywhere? Well, no. Y'see, when you say: "There is something in what you say," - the something you have in mind is a tall, steaming, conical pile of horse poo. The phrase works particularly well in meetings when other attendees are in on the stunt. They will all conjure a mental image of the poo pile every time you use the phrase.

Try it. It's very effective.

[AlexS]

Had a master wank-worder at work who could talk for half an hour without saying anything. Even I had to admit defeat when trying to pin him down, but a young lady at one meeting upset him when, after he'd taken a long ramble through the verbal jungle, she asked him, "Could you tell us what you've just said?"
She said it so innocently that it could have been accidental. It wasn't, of course.

[Zed]

One would like to assert that my considered post (above) was indiscriminatly delivered of a red negtively inclined reputation standard by one SilentC, a well known lower ranks dissident intent on inciting misdirectives and dissention to his fellow team mates.

Thank John for the new labour laws - all is not lost; We can still regain our market leader position dspite the negative impact of the above stated individual - counselling will be considered and in due course dismissal if performance objectives are not reached by the counselled party.

Signed,

Management.

Our Philisophies :

1) Qanlity, thats right Quanlity for all our customers.

2) Dont wait for someone else to light the end of the tunnel, march up there and light the thing yourself!

[silentC]

Oooooh, you're SO lucky I can't give you two in a row

[womble]

empathic is another one...

[namtrak]

BIL tells me that one of the newer ones in the corporate world is 'picking the lower hanging fruit' translated as 'path of least resistance' translated as easiest way to make a profit