School Bullies

[Wood Borer]

Darren,

Sorry to hear about you daughter’s situation.

I understand your frustration and theory about the parents possibly being responsible for their son’s behaviour. Obviously the kid has a big problem which he thinks will be solved by making the lives of others a misery.

Maybe someone like Derek can offer some assistance – using darkside methods of course.

I dearly hope the problem is resolved for everyone’s sake because school can be enough of challenge without this sort of activity complicating matters.

Perhaps you could take the kid under your wing and get him to test the sharpness of your blades – you always pull a chisel towards you don’t you?

[silentC]

Just got back from the school. The teacher can't really confirm or deny the allegation. He's the bad boy in class no doubt - but she thinks that could make him an easy target for blame. We know that something is troubling her. She hasn't settled down in class this year. We've arranged for a counsellor to talk to her and see if they can get to the bottom of it. As she said, things can go on in the playground that she would never be aware of but she hasn't noticed anything in class.

I saw the kid when we were there, he's not the same one I was thinking of. Looks like a little smart@rse but otherwise harmless enough - big for his age. My wife pointed to him and said "that's him". I will keep a very close eye on this. We have to be careful not to jump in boots and all.

Funny thing is I thought we wouldn't have any trouble with her, it's the son I was expecting to have the trouble with.

[Clinton1]

SilentC - not being a father I am prolly talking out my bum....but, I see it at an older persons stage (lete teens, early twenty's).

If you solve the problem, then she will not learn how to solve the problem for herself. There are some important lessons in learing to deal with bullies, and it won't be the last time she runs into one.

Unfortunately, learning lifes hard lessons is part and parcel of growing up...can you be her sounding board - give her the skills to deal with the little twit??

Maybe she is a bit young to deal with this?? Maybe when she is older?

Bet you'd rather just go in swinging though!

[arose62]

Looked into bullying a bit a couple of years ago to help my son.

One suggestion which I thought had merit was to get the victim to focus on counting the incidents, rather than reacting to them in any other way.

Eg: Bully: "You're a snot-face!"
Vic: "1"

B: "You're a scumbag!"
V: "2"

etc. The idea is that concentrating on counting prevents a whole lot of other reactions, and is not something that the bully expects, nor is it a reaction the bully wants.

I'd guess this works best when the bullying isn't physical.

My son wanted to learn boxing to protect himself, so I reluctantly agreed that he could have that as a last resort, once we'd discussed and tried several other approaches first (including getting back to his prior level of schoolwork). When he finally did thump the bully, he said he felt very calm about it, not lashing out from fear, but told the guy "I've tried A with you, I've tried B, and C, and D. The only other option I can think of is violence." At this stage the bully backed off, but my son followed him saying "I have to keep my word now". No probs since (apart from messy bedroom, too much TV, too little chores, too many phone calls, too little respect to parents .....)

Cheers,
Andrew

[Mirboo]

I was in a similar situation as your daughter when I was in kindergarten. There was a kid picking on me and I didn't want to go to kinder. My parents worked out through talking to me that I was being bullied and so my dad taught me how to punch. He showed me how to clench a proper fist and told me to punch the kid in the guts as hard as I could when next he was picking on me. It worked. He didn't pick on me again during my time in kindergarten.

This particular kid and I ended up going to the same primary school and high school. He was as thick as a brick and he must have only remembered stuff for about 2 years. Roughly every 2 years he would have a go at me again and I would have to thump him so that the bullying wouldn't start all over again. He dropped out after about year 9 so I didn't have to worry about him after that.

Another bully was gunning for me on the school bus when I was in about year 9. He would be at me every trip on the bus, both to and from school. He would take my stuff, punch me in the back of the head when I wasn't expecting it etc. (he sat a few seats behind me on the bus). This particular kid was in year 12 at the time. In the end I went and confronted him outside the year 12 common room. I called him outside and gave him a mouthful and he never bullied me again. During the confrontation I thought I was going to get thumped but it never happened. He just wanted the confrontation to be over because I suppose he was embarrassed by his year 12 mates seeing him getting called outside by a year 9.

Another time during high school a kid a year older than me was starting to bully me and so I didn't wait too long before confronting him. This time we did get into a fight and I got the crap beaten out of me. The result though was that the bullying stopped.

I think the lesson I learnt from these three events was that bullies don't like being confronted or resisted, even if by resisting them you cop a bit of a one-off beating. They will probably move on and pick on someone who puts up no resistance at all.

Not sure what you can take out of this to help your daughter silentC. I hope you can help her sort it out though. All the best.

[RufflyRustic]

..... What has changed? We asked her what was wrong and she comes out with this story. We told her this morning that we were going to talk to her teacher about it and she freaked out. Then she said that she made it up, he wasn't picking on her and she would just stay away from him.

There are two conclusions I can draw from that. I know which one I'm going with.
......

SilentC, why did your daughter freak out about you talking to the teacher? Is the teacher an uncaring bully too? (hoping to be very wrong here, but what you said above has been stuck in my head all day)

Wendy

[silentC]

We had one of two possible explanations for that: 1. she was fibbing about the bullying and didn't want us to tell the teacher because it was a lie or 2. she was scared of Reece finding out that she'd been "dobbing". I went with the latter because of other things she said to us.

We're not sure exactly to what extent, if any, the bullying has been taking place, so we have some more digging to do. I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is usually very honest with us, but there could be something else going on in her little world that we don't know about yet. If it turns out that she has told us a porky, there will be stern words had.

[Wongo]

Wendy, I think we (adults) see the situation differently. She tells the true, we talk to the teachers, problem solved.

For a 7 year old girl, they see it differently. Bullies are like monsters (well they are), you cannot stop them. If you tell your parents then they might get upset and things will only get worse.

[Schtoo]

Well, that made for interesting discussion didn't it?

I don't know for sure that this Reece is in any way related to me, and I probably will never know. The only reason that mentioned it is that I don't know for sure where he is, the name fits and he is about that age, I think. Last time I saw him, he promised to be pretty sizeable and an annoying little bastich.

If it is so, then the problems there stretch back a loooong time, and there isn't any easy fix.

Well, there is but it's from the pointy end of a .308...


Now, I really worry about my son when he hits school. Prolly end up being the only kid in school who isn't Japanese, and will suffer for it. I just hope he works out how to deal with it for himself before it becomes a big problem because I doubt I will be able to do anything to help him.

That's mainly because too many parents here should be drowned at birth IMHO. Absolutely no discipline whatsoever, and then they wonder why the kids get into so much strife. Luckily, the culture here restricts the scale of the trouble kids manage, but that's changing for the worse every day.

I wouldn't wish him to solve his problems the way I had to after incessant bullying.

Getting hit doesn't tickle.

[Wongo]

Schtoo,

In Asia, it is different. We are talking about gangsters, members of a triad, “who is your big brother” and “I know where you live” that kind of stuff. They are young criminals.

The best (only) approach is to stay away from them no matter what.

[Wood Borer]

The best (only) approach is to stay away from them no matter what.

Python Poo would sort them out Wongo

[Sturdee]

When I came here, because of my lack of English, some kids at school were stupid enough to pick on me. Little did they realise that I grew up in Amsterdam and learned street fighting like a pro.

When I had enough and confronted the bully and he put up his hands to box me. However he wasn't prepared for the swift kick to his nether parts followed by grabbing his head and smashing it against my raised knee. Then every time he moved I kicked him and hard.

That is the only way to deal with school bullies. Your daughter has to do it herself. Parents talking to teachers won't work. Instead teach your daughter some dirty street fighting techniques and back her up if she gets in trouble for having defended herself.

That way the bully gets bullied and your daughter will gain self esteem and she will respect you for believing her and trusting her.

Or give her a can of mace.

Peter

[ozwinner]

I was tortured as a kid at school by bullies, until that fatefull day when the worm turned.
So when my boy came home with horror stories about being bashed every day at school I saw red.

I confronted the other boys dad and told him that if his boy touches my son again I will seriously bash him and his wife.

The bullying stopped.

Now Im a bully.

Al

[dazzler]

Hi

My advice is to enrol your daughter in a martial art that focus' on strikes/blow/punches.

My 11yo does hapkido which employs these and uses blows very similar to law enforcement.

My motto with my son is simply

"no one ever bullies you - ever"

In the meantime show her how to punch, hard, straight to the face/nose using your hand at the bullies face level. this should become instinctive for her if you do it each day and will bring up her confidence.

Speak to the teachers about it and say you want it fixed.

Next time she is bullied tell her to hit him hard in the face twice, grab him and take him to ground continuing the strikes.

Tell her that you support her and if she gets in trouble you will tell the principle that you support her. 'No one ever bullies you- ever'

Whats the worst that can happen? Expelled? Suspended? Means nothing in the long term. Rather that than she end up with depression or worse.

My 11 yo did exactly this with a bully 20% larger than him. Doesnt get bullied no more .

Oh, and if anyone talks about being charged with assault, have never seen it as an issue in 18 years, specially a girl v boy

good luck

remember the motto

[RufflyRustic]

Thanks SilentC.

Wongo - yep - I do think differently to a child thanks for the different viewpoint to consider.

cheers
Wendy