Because I Am A Man...

[Rodgera]

Because I'm a man,

when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after
hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man,

when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare
at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man,

when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of
me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man,

I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin'
or 'tofu'. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under
any circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which 'feminine
hygiene product' is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man,

when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it
apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man,

I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch
TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking
for it (although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man,

I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should
stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I
mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man,

there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is
always either cars, beer, or football. I always have to make up
something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man,

I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit
us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I
have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man,

you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're
crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man,

I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing
five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With
the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man,

I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest.

[Allan at Wallan]

I hope our wives never meet otherwise you can
double the contents of that list in no time at all.



Allan

[Sawdust Maker]

...

Because I'm a man,

there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is
always either cars, beer, or football. I always have to make up
something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

...

and/or sex