So what's all this about, then?

[craigb]

but as Staines was "sans cullottes" the rip closed in disgust. So Roger was saved from his lustful advances for once.

Thanks heavens thought Roger. If I have to put up with that buffoon invading my personal space one more time, I swear I'll ....

[echnidna]

take up woodwork for a hobby instead and no more BB for me.

[Driver]

"Now, children," said Susan. "I hope you understand that the plot deviations are intrinsic to the literary worth of this many-layered piece."

"What is she talking about?" said young Henry. "I can't make head nor tail of the plot. The only thing I have understood in this chapter is the bit about Napoleon making someone a Marshal of France."

"Does that mean he gets to pin a star on his waistcoat and smoke thin black cheroots?" said Herbert.

"Back in your box, you idiot!" quoth Henry, swatting him with a manuscript. "You're a ...

[craigb]

hobgoblin who should never see the light of day.

With Herbert the hobgoblin safely srowed, Susan was able to continue her tale of Marshall Crabtree and how it was that he managed to earn the Legion D'Honour.

You see children, it all started when Captain Crabtree, as he was then ...

[Caliban]

an ardent fan of Herr Flick of the Gestapho????, who on this occasion was dressed in his favourite...

[Christopha]

.....Wooden vest with the wooden buttons and his best pair of wooden pantaloooons which were unfortunately somewhat splintered, which explains why he exclaimed loudly, " I have a big prick!" as he...........

[Grunt]

pulled his wooden pantaloons down. He also suffered a splinter in the bum. Several of the book club ladies ...

[Driver]

... were dressed in trenchcoats and wearing black berets and ankle socks. Yes! this clearly identified them as members of the Resistance. Their leader, a tasty looking brunette, leaned forward and addressed Susan:

"Listen vary carefoolly," she said. "I shall say zees only wence! Get zat berm-spleentered Gestapo buffoon wiz zer wooden pantaloons out of zer plot line immediatement or my girls will be obliged to splinter more zan 'ees berm!"

Susan blinked a couple of times and ...

[craigb]

lo! it was so.

Captain Crabtree turned to the luscious ladies of the resistance and said:

Mon dieu, why do you tease me so, you little ...

[Driver]

But he was immediately interrupted by the tasty Michelle. Addressing him in perfectly enunciated upper clarse Pommy English, she said

"Pull yourself together, Crabtree! You're supposed to be impersonating a gendarme, old chap. Gendarmes don't flirt with members of the Resistance!"

This gave the Legion d'Honneur recipient serious pause - which was a bit of a bugger because they didn't really go well with his gendarme's uniform (the paws, that is). He attempted to scratch his head and succeeeded beyond his rather modest expectations. The resultant lacerations to the scalp induced a degree of sympathy from the increasingly tasty Michelle. She dug her official French Resistance Girls' Personal Medical Kit from the pocket of her trenchcoat and proceeded to ...

[AlexS]

...roll it onto the Captain's....

[craigb]

to give Crabtree succour.

"Mademoiselle!" ejaculated Crabtree, eet has bin a long time since I've been succoured like that.

To which the tasty Michelle said ...

[Driver]

"Why, you amorous secret agent!" said Michelle in her most seductive Franglais accent. "And I 'ave not even been awarded a medal!"

"Perhaps you misunderstood me," said the Captain. "I was not referring to the traditional peck each side of the face but rather ..."

[craigb]

something much more Eenglish.

As you know mme, the rosbifs are fond of zee stick. Zey learn ziz in their ...

[Driver]

.. upper class private schools (known as public schools)."

No sooner had the words left his lips than Michelle hurled him to the floor and began to have at him with a riding crop.

"Oh Bloody Hell, No! Ow! *****! Gawdelpus!" yelled Crabtree. "I went to a council elementary school! I'm not one of those bloody public school and Cambridge-educated Communist deviates! Stop whacking me!"

"Oh!" said Michelle. "Sorry! I thought you might like it!"

"No!" said Crabtree. " I ..."