So what's all this about, then?

[ernknot]

tongue lashing and a good flogging with the cat'o nine tails ( should this be a dog tail?)and after that you can keelhaul them followed by a good dose of the golden rivet, and then....

[vsquizz]

you can throw them to the Giant. But the Bosun and his scaly crew couldn't find Wilencee and Hechnida, which was a good thing considering.

It was later discovered that Wilencee and Hechnida were below decks running an illegal poker game with Mr Squeezzy and several other crew members.
Just then the ship dropped out of HyperSpace and Mr Buncraig shouted "look out there, on the Starboard bow"......

[silentC]

... "What," shouted the Captain, whose patience was wearing thin, "I can't see a bloody thing."
"Wrong side, Cap'n, with all due respect, the OTHER Starboard."
"When I find out who stole my bit of paper..." the Captain muttered under his breath.
"There's Klingons on the Starboard bow, Cap'n .." cried Mr Squeezy, who had just come on deck after losing all but his pants, "and don't look now but they're ...

[vsquizz]

'mooning you sir"

Captain Beaut's blood was on the boil. These Klingons were solely responsible for the widespread popularity of MDF and treated pine. Worse still they were the reason a crew member could never find 2000 grit sandpaper or 0000 steel wool at the hardware anymore.

"Red Alert" shouted the captain desparately searching the deck for some sober crew members to man the guns. "Mr BraceGrunt, bring us around on his Port quarter" barked Captain Beaut. BraceGrunt began to wonder how everybody knew about his secret port stash.

Just then....

[ernknot]

Captain Beaut realised that the Klingons were not mooning, they were trying to communicate because their communications equipment was stuffed and that he now needed some one who could lip read. Who on board can lip read he mused. Who is an expert in this field.......

[craigb]

...why none other than Lieutenant Hornblower.

"No 1", ordered captain Beaut "my compliments to Mr Hornblower and tell him he's wanted on the poop deck'

BraceGrunt scurried off to find Hornblower.

Meanwhile, the Klingons ....

[silentC]

..., who were more commonly found hanging around Uranus, gave up their futile attempts to speak the ugly human dialect. A more direct approach was required.

[Grunt]

The Klingons broke wind and into song at the same instance. "Glonby snoggle smapping, flurt glingo gggrapraper flingdolio flip ..." sang the Klingon crew which is roughly translated into "It's raining Men". This method of communication proved effective because Mr Hornblower was able to use Google to translate the song. Hornblower was a little preplexed at the meaning of the song until men came falling from the sky and ...

[vsquizz]

decided that things needed spicing up. "Captain Sir, I recommend engaging the enemy immediatley". Captain Beaut said he had no intention of becoming engaged to a Klingon but at this point, the forgotten Seamen Staines shouted out from the crows nest, "Look at the hull, look at what its made of" The crew gasped in horror as everyone could clearly see the Klingon Vessel was constructed of old Chep pallets (which everybody new was illegal) and worse still, the hull was coated in the dreaded two pack polyurethane.

Ol Mr Zwhinnger muttered something about the whole world having gone to Poly and staggered off down the galley to see if Werknot had any cooking wine left.

Back on the teak deck Captain Beaut shouted "Load the EEE Canon, bloody heathens" and which point Mr BunCraig pointed out that they couldn't go into action without a name for their fine vessel, (a grave error on behalf of an earlier poster but understandable in the rush to escape the Giant) it was absolutley bad luck. "Bring me a bottle of Champagne" roared the Captain at which point a loud "Uh-Oh hic" was heard from the galley.

"Mr Wilencee a name if you please and a fine lady to break the bottle" snapped the Captain, keeping a sharp eye on the Klingons. Wilencee was thought fast and at last said "I dub thee, the good ship......

[silentC]

... "Very Little Gravitas Indeed". Now we just need someone to smash this bottle of champers over the.... hang on, where's the champers?" ... "Hic... Oh 'eck....

[craigb]

... A clearly tired and emotional Mr Zhwinnger staggered on to the bridge wearing his underpants on his head and proceeded to slur his way through all thirty seven verses of "The Good Ship Venus" .

Cap'n Beaut was horrified to see ...

[ernknot]

Worknot following him without underpants or anyhting else for that matter, except a smile. "Damn! thought Cap'n, they are not his underapnts at all, they are mine" He could tell by the skid marks. These were not rare but thgis lot he knew came about when......

[Caliban]

.. ever he had to warp his way clear of the giant's deletory axe and found himself coming out of hyperspace right in the middle of a shower of men. Poor chap had only just escaped one cess pit and now he...Grrrr came the warning from above and he stopped that line of thought because the author (who because of a nasty bout of the flu was on the wagon) was strangely sober at this time of night and this time knew to leave well enough alone. But still they were his underpants, which made him wonder "If those are mine, then whose are being worn by Seman Staines?"

[ozwinner]

Just then little Sam woke from his dream... phew he said as grandmama placed the wet flannel onto his sweaty forehead.
That was some jolly rotten dream, I was dreaming of some faraway place and time. I think it might be in the future, for there were flying machines and such...........Grandmama laughed so much, well as much as a well to do woman as she, might.
She remembered the dream she had as a little girl, all the streets were flooded with electric lights, no more gas lamps, oooh what a dream.
Grandmama smiled, sleep tight little Sam.
So with that................

[Caliban]

Stainesy replied" There Roger's, and I'm wearing them since they're all we have left to remind us of him since he was washed overboard in that nasty shower of men, sob."
Captain Beaut was mortified and exclaimed "Poor Roger, worse still, poor us, what'll we do without a cabin boy?"
So with tears in their eyes our heroes sailed off into the sunset, looking for...