Stupid Signs

[Baz]

> Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
> TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
> PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
>
> In a Laundromat:
> AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
> GOES OUT.
>
> In a London department store:
> BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
>
> In an office:
> WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR
> FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
>
> In an office:
> AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE
> DRAINING BOARD.
>
> Outside a secondhand shop:
> WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR
> WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
>
> Notice in health food shop window:
> CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
>
> Spotted in a safari park:
> ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
>
> Seen during a conference:
> FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
> THE FIRST FLOOR.
>
> Notice in a farmer's field:
> THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
> CHARGES.
>
> Message on a leaflet:
> IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
>
> On a repair shop door:
> WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
> WORK.)

[Iain]

Used to be on the door at the entrance to a shopping mall in Morwell:

Rollerblades and skateboards not permitted, consumption of food, drinks and dogs prohibited.

[Kev Y.]

Iain, don't you know that it is still OK to eat dogs here in the Valley, it is only in South Australia that it has been banned!

[Pete]

I live in Shanghai right now and I really enjoy some of the signs. Now be careful and ensure you don't forget rule number 2.
(sorry about the size of the photo, I'll resize the next one)
Pete

[journeyman Mick]

Doesn't look like you can do anything in the park over there!

Mick

[outback]

Just makes ya wanna climb an artificial hill, expose ya top, go fer a swimm after ya did a bit of begging then take a great big (insert appropriate word from sign) on one of the park facilities.

[soundman]

Sign over the counter in the former Bli Bli general store.

Don't ask for credit, he's dead.

[outback]

I reckon somewher in the world there's a guy named Bill Posters. He lives in a small apartment and never comes out, cos every time he does he sees signs everywhere saying "Bill Posters will be prosecuted.

[Grue]

Stupid people – by Bill Engvall (The Bama Jam / Bagel Guy)

Stupid people should be required to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.

"It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week just to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

"A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

"I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that...."Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good.... they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right...hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it.”

"Last time I was home I was driving around and got a flat tire. I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

"We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See.....if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t you know I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how hard I tried. I radioed for help and eventually the local cops show up to take a report. He went through his basic questioning …. OK …. No problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign …. Until he asked “So – is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! Looked at him, looked back at the rig then back to him and said, “no I’m delivering a bridge … Here’s your sign.”

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, “are you still here?” I replied, “no. Ileft about 10 minutes ago. Here’s your sign.”

Anybody you know need a sign today?

Glenn