Why Your Sport Is Rubbish

[Felder]

The sport that you like to watch is complete twaddle. Read below to find out more.

[Felder]

The commentary: “Ronaldo to Ronaldinho, who passes to Fred. Back to Ronaldinho, and back to Fred. Fred passes to Ronaldo who falls over and is awarded a free kick.”

SPECTACULAR: Long range goal that curves through the air and still rockets past the keeper.

UNSPECTACULAR: The other 89 minutes.

The fans: Are completely mental, which I blame on the game itself. The true fan of soccer gets him/herself all excited before the match, only to attend and find that no-one scores. Even if there are points scored, there are too few. This makes the fans a bit punchy and hooligan-esque. There is no outlet other than violence for frustrated soccer fans.

Summary: All the decent Aussies go overseas for the big bucks, as the local competition has previously stunk. The new “A-League” looked like being a big step forward, until the organisers accepted a girl’s car as a sponsor.

[Felder]

SPECTACULAR: Some guy jumps insanely high, preferably over the top of another guy, to catch the ball on the full, known as a ‘mark’.

UNSPECTACULAR: As soon as the ball hits the ground, no-one knows how to pick it up again.

The fans: Seem to think that the players of the game want to be shouted at every time they leave their house. They attend matches in droves, as the game does not translate very well to TV. They will sit firmly in their seats throughout the playing time, ensuring massive pie and beer queues at quarter and half times. When questioned, a fan will give a reasonable guess as to how long a quarter goes for, but not one of them know how long the final quarter goes for. Very defensive of their chosen sport, and consider a lot of the players to be god-like. They will also randomly shout out “BALL!”, for no reason, whirl scarves around their head if their team is successful, and will happily sing the camp team song.

Summary: A popularly viewed sport in Australia…..by the southern states. Attempts to build up an international tournament with a completely different game has recently failed, given that the ‘god-like’ Australian players of the hybrid game like to keep their Irish barkeeps in headlocks. This does not stop the AFL from naming an “All Australian” team every year……but no-one is sure what to do with them. For some unknown reason, the players insist on wearing very short shorts, and still get awarded a point when they miss a goal.

[Felder]

Nope. Nothing wrong with Rugby League……

Oh OK.

Commentary: “Hindmarsh now. Hindmarsh out to Riddell, Riddell to Grothe, Grothe gets tackled. He is slow to play the ball. I have never witnessed a closer game between Canberra and Brisbane before.” (thanks, Rabs )

SPECTACULAR: A chip across the field that lands in the in-goal to allow a winger to catch it and score a try in one hit.

UNSPECTACULAR: Forwards running the ball up. Also, John Hopoate!

The true fans: Will go to every match, and know every statistic about every player. However, most fans will no doubt get into an argument with a Bulldogs fan at some stage, which will result in them getting punched in the mouth (DAMHIKT). Typical attendance at an NRL match may be around 15,000 – 20,000, but as the game translates extremely well to TV (ie most of the action happens on the ball) there are numerous gatherings around the country to watch the game. The most extreme fans are creepy about how much they know. It’s just a game, people.

Summary: A game that is played by big blokes with no necks. They try to make ground by passing the ball backwards, and as soon as they get a wet day, they turn to jelly (no, they’re not made of gelatine ). The players have usually had their ego’s massaged throughout their formative years, which ensures that they have little social skills, don’t know how to treat a lady, and will be completely stuffed if they suffer an early injury that forces retirement.
Good game though.

[Felder]

Commentary: “……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. McGrath now…………………………………..to McMillan……………..knocks it down the on-side for a single……….let’s look at that delivery another three times………”

SPECTACULAR: Classic catches and sixes. To a lesser extent, fours, run outs and a batsman being bowled.
UNSPECTACULAR: Dot balls.

The true fans: Would actually go to the domestic games, which has a woeful following. Instead, the international matches are filled with booze addled, sombrero wearing, zinc covered and lady heckling geese. Put the beach ball away, mate! This is a cricket match, not an outing to Bondi!

Summary: A very slow game that has had a much needed overhaul (30 years ago) with the introduction of the one day game, and more recently the 20-20 matches. Players are not beyond reproach, with a certain S.Warne…….no wait, too obvious…… .Shane.W...having received the attention of those lady type magazines for indiscretions off the pitch. The World Cup of this sport attracts nations that have never been known as cricketing nations previously.

[Felder]

Commentary: “…………………to the offensive team now (I always thought that we had attackers and defenders? Apparently basketball has offenders! ) Passes the ball up and takes a shot…..it’s good. Two points to the Kings. The other team has the ball now……and they score too….”

SPECTACULAR: Slam Dunk!!

UNSPECTACULAR: Big deal…everyone can slam dunk these days. Bring back the lay-up days of Larry Bird and Andrew Gaze.

The fans: No-one knows who they are. It’s basically Wongo and my wife’s boss.

Summary: A sport that is clung to by those who have played it and reckon it is worthwhile watching. It is a game that is fun to play, but nowhere near as fun to watch.

[Felder]

Commentary: “……………………………………………………………….great shot!!.. ………”

SPECTACULAR: The overhead smashes or the shots that look like they’re going to go out yet curve back inside the parameters of the court.

UNSPECTACULAR: The rest of it.

The fans: Get dressed to cheer but get told to shoosh up.

Summary: This is a sport that is respected by myself for its longevity, yet hated by myself for the fact that I cannot play it. Generally boring and drawn out. The fact that the ruling body (umpire) can shut the fans up grates on me. Can you imagine if this happened at a footy game? Pompous idiots. It would also seem that players have their personality removed as soon as they join the tour.

[Felder]

The commentary: “To Sailor…….to Rogers……..out to Tiquiri……….try.”

SPECTACULAR: Erm…….I suppose it’s OK when they score. Score a try, that is.
UNSPECTACULAR: Stop kicking the ball as soon as you get it!! Run the freakin thing and make some ground! Sissy!

The fans: Generally consider themselves above the raw brutality of Rugby League. They believe that Union is more like a chess match, and genuinely believe that it is the game played in Heaven. Consider going to a match at Homebush Stadium in Sydney and watching the masses of people lining up for the North Shore / Northern Beaches trains, as you casually step onto the Blue Mountains train. The fans will get dressed to the nines and discuss random weird stats next Monday morning over the coffee cooler. And yes, these folks have coffee coolers. And they are all 'chaps'.

Summary: A sport that cannot even boast a decent domestic competition, yet has excellent international tournaments. The best that they can do domestically is invite NZ and South Africa to participate in a 14 team comp……but really?? Where is the domestic league? I know a bloke who plays firsts for the Penrith Emus, but I still don’t like him much. If I were an AFL fan and he was playing firsts for the local AFL squad, then I probably would’ve had his children by now. Rugby Union is bred in the private schools and hence harbours a private school mentality.
By the way – Union has too many points scored from penalty goals. Either reduce the worth of the penalty goals, or get rid of them altogether. No-one likes to see the English win World Cups.

[Felder]

V8 SUPERCARS:
Commentary: Wow! He has just completed a lap! Let’s ride with him for the next lap and see how he goes…..(cut to in-car camera……for three minutes)

The fans: “HOLDEN!”
“FORD!”
“THERE’S NOTHING BETTER THAN A HOLDEN!!”
“THERE’S NOTHING BETTER THAN A FORD!!”
Either way, they ain’t going to budge…

SPECTACULAR: A car crashing.

UNSPECTACULAR: A car finishing

Summary:
For crying out loud people! They’re all running Chevy engines! The only resemblance that you will get from the track car to your road car is the general body shape! That is all!! Deal with it!
At the end of the day, there is a lot of money poured into a lot of cars going round and round and round and round and round and……(you get the point) a track to see who can complete the circuit first. The fans love the drivers, yet the drivers are stupid enough to place themselves in 50 degree + temperatures constantly!? The true kudos should go to the team managers and the pit crew. These are the blokes who make the car as fast as possible before the jockey puts it into a wall…



FORMULA ONE
Commentary: (delivered in monotone) “i suppose it could be considered that webber may in fact be running a full fuel load”

The fans: All support Ferrari, but they’re not sure why……

SPECTACULAR: Schumacher crashing. Or any other car, I suppose.

UNSPECTACULAR: The rest of it, unless you are actually there to witness the cars.


Summary: Again – round and round and round and….etc. Imagine if anyone actually overtook anyone in Formula 1. The commentators would have conniptions! “Well that is the first time I have seen that since 1979, and I’m pretty sure that even that was un-intentional!”

[Felder]

GRIDIRON (aka NFL, Football, American Football)

SPECTACULAR: Hail Mary passes resulting in touch-downs

UNSPECTACULAR: Having twenty seconds of game play for every five minutes that the game is running.

Summary: Here we have big blokes who call themselves “athletes”, but can’t do more than a token amount of running or exercise without needing to have a break. They wear tight pants and then pad the rest of themselves up, including a helmet! And you call this a contact sport??


BASEBALL

SPECTACULAR: Hitting a home run out of the ball park. All in brawls.
UNSPECTACULAR: The rest of it.

SUMMARY: A.............. very.............. slow................. game.

[Felder]

OK. Now who did I forget to insult?

[silentC]

GOLF

Commentary: " (tweet) ... pause pause (ambient noise) and now this for par, and... he's missed it. Well he wont be pleased with that, no he looks disappointed. I can understand that, he's played so well so far in the tournament. That double bogie yesterday started his woes. pause pause pause (ad break)"

SPECTACULAR: The amount people get paid to play it
UNSPECTACULAR: The game in general

The fans: Only people who play golf would watch this sport. They are nutters.

Summary: I can't imagine sitting down and watching all 500 hours of coverage of the average tournament just to watch Tiger Woods win again. He always looks so excited, don't you think?

[fred.n]

Darts......what the

[wattlewemake]

Lol you know how to pick a fight Brendan. Lots of AFL and soccer(I dont call it football) supporters on here.
Think you might get a roasting for insulting thier favorite sport....

Good luck

Shane.

[ss_11000]

OK. Now who did I forget to insult?

hockey ...

good posts mate. made me laugh