How to sing the Blues

[Andy Mac]

Hey there!
Just got this in an email, and had a bit of a laugh...esp. if you're into the Blues


HOW TO SING THE BLUES:


If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood
the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:



1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."



2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."



3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."



4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.



5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.



6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably
just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and
Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the
Blues in any place that don't get rain.


8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.


9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass


11. Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses



12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.


13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt

b. you're blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied



No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund



14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people
also got a leg up on the Blues.


15.If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. black coffee



The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast



16.If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot.

You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or

while getting liposuction.



17. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling



18.Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie



19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.



20. Blues Name Starter Kit

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For
example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")



21.And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your

family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.

[Cliff Rogers]

Yeap, I like it.

Nine fingers Cliffy!

Do do do
Do do do
Do do do
Baw baw baw baw...

Woke up t'is morn'n, woz rain'n all around....
Yeah I said I woke up t'is morn'n, woz rain'n so hard all around me....

[CameronPotter]

Classic post!

Cheers

Coughin' Apple Kennedy

[Iain]

Well Cliff, you can't go north, but Cliff, sounds not quite right, now how about Bubba Cliff heddin on south (and I think a jetplane is acceptable/jetstar is second rate enough).
Tasmanians are buggered or is this a Northern/Southern hemisphere thing, in which case Cliff is redeemed.
Somehow though a ute is not a pick up but we do have fosters and XXXX which qualify for cheap booze etc.
I thought you had to look like Rod Quantock (sp) with a ponytail to qualify though, and not mention your multi million dollar bank account.
But wait, Quantock caint (yes, caint) sing, perfect, we have our own blues star

[AlexS]

Great one Andy...

Flatulent Mango Nixon

[Driver]

Best post so far this week, Andy.

Fell offa ma chair this mo'nin'
Fell offa ma chair this mo'nin'
Nearly died Ah wuz shakin' so bad

Fell offa ma chair this mo'nin'
Nearly died Ah wuz shakin' so bad

No reason fo' me to be shakin'
Man! 'Cep' fo' all dem laughs Ah had!

Staggerin' Limejuice Clinton

[Iain]

Just thinking of some Australian pollies who would fit in nicely, what a pity Joh, Incontinent Peanut Bjelke Petersen is no longer with us........

High Cholesterol Apple Lennon (Tas)
Asthmatic Prune Juice Bachelor (Vic)
et al..........................

[craigb]

Classic. Have a greenie form Blind Mango Chutney.

[magman]

GOLD........LUV IT.......

[Cliff Rogers]

Sorry to 'tag on' to your thread Andy but you all liked this thread, you just have to try this out. It is VERY clever.

http://www.desktopblues.lichtlabor.ch/

[Driver]

Cool, Nine Fingers .....

This here poor boy goan be playin' some blues, man.

Stay cool

Limpin' Limejuice Lincoln.

[Cliff Rogers]

I really like the stuff at the opening page the best, pity it only lasts 85 seconds.