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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    Toowoomba Qld.
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    65
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    0

    Default How to sing the Blues

    Hey there!
    Just got this in an email, and had a bit of a laugh...esp. if you're into the Blues


    HOW TO SING THE BLUES:


    If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood
    the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:



    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."



    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
    stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
    the meanest face in town."



    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
    Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the
    meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
    town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."



    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
    ditch...ain't no way out.



    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
    don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
    transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
    and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
    a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.



    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
    sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
    electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
    anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably
    just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and
    Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the
    Blues in any place that don't get rain.


    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
    pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
    Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.


    9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
    is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


    10. Good places for the Blues:

    a. highway

    b. jailhouse

    c. empty bed

    d. bottom of a whiskey glass


    11. Bad places for the Blues:

    a. Nordstrom's

    b. gallery openings

    c. Ivy League institutions

    d. golf courses



    12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
    happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.


    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

    a. you're older than dirt

    b. you're blind

    c. you shot a man in Memphis

    d. you can't be satisfied



    No, if:

    a. you have all your teeth

    b. you were once blind but now can see

    c. the man in Memphis lived

    d. you have a 401K or trust fund



    14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
    Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people
    also got a leg up on the Blues.


    15.If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
    Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

    a. cheap wine

    b. whiskey or bourbon

    c. muddy water

    d. black coffee



    The following are NOT Blues beverages:

    a. Perrier

    b. Chardonnay

    c. Snapple

    d. Slim Fast



    16.If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
    death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
    die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
    broken-down cot.

    You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or

    while getting liposuction.



    17. Some Blues names for women:

    a. Sadie

    b. Big Mama

    c. Bessie

    d. Fat River Dumpling



    18.Some Blues names for men:

    a. Joe

    b. Willie

    c. Little Willie

    d. Big Willie



    19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
    Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.



    20. Blues Name Starter Kit

    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For
    example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
    Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")



    21.And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your

    family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.
    Andy Mac
    Change is inevitable, growth is optional.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Minbun, FNQ, Australia
    Age
    66
    Posts
    1

    Default

    Yeap, I like it.

    Nine fingers Cliffy!

    Do do do
    Do do do
    Do do do
    Baw baw baw baw...

    Woke up t'is morn'n, woz rain'n all around....
    Yeah I said I woke up t'is morn'n, woz rain'n so hard all around me....
    Cliff.
    If you find a post of mine that is missing a pic that you'd like to see, let me know & I'll see if I can find a copy.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Hobart
    Age
    44
    Posts
    0

    Default

    Classic post!

    Cheers

    Coughin' Apple Kennedy
    <Insert witty remark here>

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2000
    Location
    Drop Bear Capital of Gippsland (Lang Lang) Vic Australia
    Age
    74
    Posts
    2,238

    Default

    Well Cliff, you can't go north, but Cliff, sounds not quite right, now how about Bubba Cliff heddin on south (and I think a jetplane is acceptable/jetstar is second rate enough).
    Tasmanians are buggered or is this a Northern/Southern hemisphere thing, in which case Cliff is redeemed.
    Somehow though a ute is not a pick up but we do have fosters and XXXX which qualify for cheap booze etc.
    I thought you had to look like Rod Quantock (sp) with a ponytail to qualify though, and not mention your multi million dollar bank account.
    But wait, Quantock caint (yes, caint) sing, perfect, we have our own blues star
    Stupidity kills. Absolute stupidity kills absolutely.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 1999
    Location
    Westleigh, Sydney
    Age
    78
    Posts
    1,332

    Default

    Great one Andy...

    Flatulent Mango Nixon
    Visit my website
    Website
    Facebook

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Perth, WA
    Age
    77
    Posts
    884

    Default

    Best post so far this week, Andy.

    Fell offa ma chair this mo'nin'
    Fell offa ma chair this mo'nin'
    Nearly died Ah wuz shakin' so bad

    Fell offa ma chair this mo'nin'
    Nearly died Ah wuz shakin' so bad

    No reason fo' me to be shakin'
    Man! 'Cep' fo' all dem laughs Ah had!


    Staggerin' Limejuice Clinton
    Driver of the Forums
    Lord of the Manor of Upper Legover

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2000
    Location
    Drop Bear Capital of Gippsland (Lang Lang) Vic Australia
    Age
    74
    Posts
    2,238

    Default

    Just thinking of some Australian pollies who would fit in nicely, what a pity Joh, Incontinent Peanut Bjelke Petersen is no longer with us........

    High Cholesterol Apple Lennon (Tas)
    Asthmatic Prune Juice Bachelor (Vic)
    et al..........................
    Stupidity kills. Absolute stupidity kills absolutely.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Sydney, NSW, Australia
    Posts
    1,981

    Default

    Classic. Have a greenie form Blind Mango Chutney.

  9. #9
    magman Guest

    Default

    GOLD........LUV IT.......

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Minbun, FNQ, Australia
    Age
    66
    Posts
    1

    Default

    Sorry to 'tag on' to your thread Andy but you all liked this thread, you just have to try this out. It is VERY clever.

    http://www.desktopblues.lichtlabor.ch/
    Cliff.
    If you find a post of mine that is missing a pic that you'd like to see, let me know & I'll see if I can find a copy.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Perth, WA
    Age
    77
    Posts
    884

    Default

    Cool, Nine Fingers .....

    This here poor boy goan be playin' some blues, man.

    Stay cool

    Limpin' Limejuice Lincoln.
    Driver of the Forums
    Lord of the Manor of Upper Legover

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Minbun, FNQ, Australia
    Age
    66
    Posts
    1

    Default

    I really like the stuff at the opening page the best, pity it only lasts 85 seconds.
    Cliff.
    If you find a post of mine that is missing a pic that you'd like to see, let me know & I'll see if I can find a copy.

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