Oil Change

[bennylaird]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00 ================================================== ========

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by the store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in back yard instead of taking it back to the auto parts store to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to store to buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.? Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.? Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[Iain]

Sounds fair to me

[bennylaird]

yep, see all the fun the females miss?

All except the girls on here, lol, they would do it our way........

[Greg Q]

There's something missing. I think I would attempt at least one more injury. Also, at some point, bang forehead on chassis of car, recoil back of head into cement floor;repeat three cycles.

Finally, leave dandy Snap-On screwdriver, one of a set, under bonnet during test drive. It will be a green handled one, the kind they don't make anymore.
It will go from under bonnet to somewhere in the asteroid belt instantly.
Please, DAMHIKT.

[Ashore]

no new washer on drain plug.........wonder if it leaks :confused:

[Auld Bassoon]

It's only a little Hoyota that takes just 3 quarts, so the 10 quarts poured in causes engine to have a spasm, lock solid - and dump 8 quarts on the highway.

New engine: $12,000
Environmental penalty: $2,500


Those guys in the lube shops never use the right oil anyway. Right? Right? Pleeeeaaaasseee?

[Auld Bassoon]

no new washer on drain plug.........wonder if it leaks :confused:

Hey Ashore,

Just noticed - been decorating your Avatar again? (or maybe I'm just not very observant...)

[Greg Q]

:eek: :eek:

http://www.ntsb.gov/publictn/1984/AAR8404.htm

The short story of missing O-rings and maximum pucker power...

[Ashore]

Hey Ashore,

Just noticed - been decorating your Avatar again? (or maybe I'm just not very observant...)

No just got brown goodie spots from a moderator a while back


About 3 months ago glad to see you are up to date .......ie the first to notice

can't give you green system won't allow

[Schtoo]

Finally, leave dandy Snap-On screwdriver, one of a set, under bonnet during test drive. It will be a green handled one, the kind they don't make anymore.
It will go from under bonnet to somewhere in the asteroid belt instantly.
Please, DAMHIKT.

You know why that happened?

Because it was a nice snap on screwdriver.


True story, long time ago.

Was at a mate's place fooling around with cars and misplaced my set of work pliers. New ones too, Channelocks and all. Wrote them off and got a new pair. :mad:

About 3 months later, said car gets stolen, and another 2 weeks later recovered with no damage, aside from a few busted locks. Dad's a locksmith so no troubles there. Also decided we could fit an alarm to the old beasty.

Grab the now oldish replacement pliers and some screwdrivers to try and get the alarm in there, and what do we find on the radiator support panel?

A slightly dusty, but otherwise brand new pair of Channelock pliers... :eek:

Pretty happy about that was I.

[Daddles]

Was tightening the exhaust flange on a girlfriend's Morris 1100 back in the eighties (a common job). Dropped the spanner (a common problem with that job). It slid behind the firewall (the only place it can go) which in the Morris 1100 is a sheet of tin about half an inch in front of the back of the engine bay and full of grease, dirt, etc. Being an ikey sort of bugger, I got a piece of wire and started fishing for my spanner - I got three out before I retrieved mine And guess what, they were all the right size to do the exhaust flange

Richard

[Greg Q]

When I was a teenager I did a similar job on my 1963 Pontiac main battle tank. I broke one of the studs off the exhaust manifold. I was in a real hurry to go a-courtin', so I clamped an el cheapo pair of vice grips to the assembly in place of a stud and nut. They rusted on there nicely, and were still in place three years later when the car succumbed to another of my 'repairs'.

I have improved, but my most valuable tool is one of those stout magnets on a telescoping rod.

Greg

[bennylaird]

Good work Greg, which brand of chewing gum provided the best grip for your other repairs????????????????????

[Greg Q]

For a sealant, I always liked "Double Bubble", complete with it's entertaining and insightful 'Bazooka Joe' comic.

Like everything else, they don't make gum like that anymore

[bennylaird]

My preference was Black Cat lol. Had a nice finish........