Mil

[RufflyRustic]

There are rules, common courtesy and boundaries. Speaking from personal experience, some boundaries were crossed and I didn't realise I had such a boundary and wondered why I was getting so upset.

Again, personal experience only last week.. a good stoush to clear the air can help too, so long as it's not nasty. Believe me, the number of times I've wanted to say "GET OUT" but managed (barely) to stop myself as the back lash from that would have been nastier than working through the situation at that time.

Does that make any sense??
Wendy

[Waldo]

G'day Rufflyrustic,

Makes perfect sence.

I have an disagreement / arguement and when it's over I'm back to being calm and it's like it never happened - which puzzles SWMBO.

Wonder what MIL will say when they get back in from the hospital tonight with SWMBO, or will she have told MIL to keep quiet for all sakes.

This rant has gone on for much more than I thought it would by way of feedback etc.

Thanks.

Does this make it to the "Best of the Best" by way of how to deal with in-laws, because it has a dramatic effect on quality shed time and the pursuit of stuffing up perfectly good bits of wood?

[Waldo]

G'day,

Just a quick post.

The most important thing after my wife and little girl to me in the world is family. In-laws come in to that as well.

[Iain]

Is your problem unique...No
Is there a satisfactory way of dealing with the problem...probably not.
Of course with in laws, you will always be wrong, as will they in your eyes.
They will never let go, it's their role, you will probably be the same later on, even though you say you never will.
I remember my late MIL used to want to help cook dinner (her idea of good healthy food, 500 beans, boil for 40 minutes, lovely )
I cooked some eye fillet in a pan, took out the steaks and put them in the oven to keep warm, turn around to deglaze the pan and she's bloody well washed it.
I picked her up under my arm (those who have seen me know I can) took her into the lounge room and deposited her in a chair.
Then she says to SWMBO, he has a violent streak doesn't he, I even put her down gently.
This was after several episodes of her ruining my cooking.
It got better, a friend and myself went on a fly fishing trip for a weekend, it rained solidly and we just gave up, we went back to my place arriving at about 3.00am, sneaked in quietly and I sent him to our spare room.
Got undressed in the dark and slid into bed, greeted by a loud scream from both rooms.
MIL had come over to keep SWMBO company for the weekend, no one told me, she doesn't like single beds so she gots ours.
That was an experience I will never forget, my mate felt pretty pleased with himself too having got into bed with SWMBO.

[craigb]

It got better, a friend and myself went on a fly fishing trip for a weekend, it rained solidly and we just gave up, we went back to my place arriving at about 3.00am, sneaked in quietly and I sent him to our spare room.
Got undressed in the dark and slid into bed, greeted by a loud scream from both rooms.
MIL had come over to keep SWMBO company for the weekend, no one told me, she doesn't like single beds so she gots ours.
That was an experience I will never forget, my mate felt pretty pleased with himself too having got into bed with SWMBO.

Nothing like a good old bedroom farce eh?

[Clinton1]

Waldo,
my 2c, from experience
If you think it is time to "have a word", then make sure that you are cool, calm and collected and have set a very clear agenda, i.e. know what you want to achieve and refuse to go off on a tangent and get emotional.
Tell them that you need to "have a word" and then ask them for their opinion on ....
Use words like "value your opinion, but allow us to make our own way in life".

They will want to be involved, and you will need to give them an opportunity to do this, and at the same time let them know what you need, and will tolerate. Maybe you also need to let them know that your marriage isn't a battleground to "make sure the same mistakes aren't repeated" - tactfully.

I think that the "In-Laws" relationship is something that has to be handled carefully, and respectfully. Simplying telling them that you respect their opinions but ask that they speak to you instead of getting directly involved is the best way... lets them feel like you respect them, but allows you to have that distance where necessary. I guess it depends if you, and they, are mature enough to make that happen in a way that keeps all involved happy.

I'm happy to listen and to seek the advice of my father and mother In-laws, but they know that my wife and I run the house and that we have to sort things out for ourself. If we don't then aren't we a "crippled" family?
They also need to keep a good relationship with their daughter - after all you are "only" a johnny-come-lately and their ultimate responsibility will be to their daughter.

Something about "enough rope" (you) and "we'll be there at the end to pick up the pieces" (them)?

There is a middle ground, its getting there thats the prob. I'm an intolerent b$gger, so I think they knew I was trying and would not hesitate to fonk them off if they played up too much.

[Shedhand]

I have a brilliant MIL. SWMBO is a clone of her. I even invite MIL on long driving trips and holidays. FIL dead. Don't have anything to do with any of my lot. Kicked the kids out when they reached 16. Kicked former SWMBO out shortly after. Married an older women. Life is wonderful. (And uncomplicated).

[ozwinner]

That was an experience I will never forget, my mate felt pretty pleased with himself too having got into bed with SWMBO.

Sure Iain I bet youve got your eyes on this babe, havent you??



Grrrrrrrrrr

Al :eek:

[Dion N]

Luckily for me, FIL has 40 years of experience as a cabinet maker, and I think he's quite chuffed to have a new apprentice...

Seriously though, I think that a lot of problems with the in laws often stem from unresolved problems in the parents who take out their frustrations on their offspring.

There are the parents who are frustrated because they never quite achieved their dreams and are resentful and thus try to stop their children acheiving anything. Some go the opposite way and try to pressure their kids into excelling at everything. Caught in the middle is the poor old partner of the child.He or she is a convenient target to be blamed for the problems that existed long before he/she met the son/daughter of the parents.

If your inlaws don't seem like you and are constantly disagreeing and finding faults with you, then it's because:

a) they genuinely don't like or agree your attitude, beleifs, approach to life etc (in which case you might like to think about why your partner choose you.. was it to spite his/her parents?)

or

b) they have no particular gripe against you, but because you are important to your partner, you are a means by which they can manipulate your partner.

or

c) you have replaced them in your partner's pecking order, and they resent that, especially if it means that they no longer have as much power to influence or manipulate your partner.

[John Saxton]

Waldo, simply put shout you inlaws a one way ticket interstate ....like mebbe New Guinea.

Seriously tho I have'nt had to brook your concerns as we've been isolated from IL's now for years and that in itself was a blessing as we were in remote communities here in WA for such a long time that they did'nt want to visit to suffer the indignity and the privacy that the outback could cater to.

All have passed on now and I feel that somehow we were the losers not having that close contact all the time.Inlaws for the main are generally well intentioned only wanting to maintain a contact with their loved one/s.

A firm but kindly aside will go further than losing your rag and regretting later something that would put strain on all relationships.
We had a visit from some rellies/IL's early on when we first got hitched and moved over here but was firm with them on how we collectively wanted to lead our life ,we did'nt love them any less but we made the decisions in our home/life.

Just my views.
Cheers

[ele__13]

Outlaws and inlaws mmmm well i had a very undermining mil when i was married she was just a downrite MOOO silly me married the baby of the family who was a spoilt bratt .... alas we have moved on and he married the @#$^& he had an affair with hey im happy for him he wakes up next to that heheheh (EWWWWWWWWWWWW) not my problem his ! his parents i get on better now than i did for a very long time when we where married ... they get grandma and grandpa from me as i cant come at calling them mum and dad any more cos she does and its enough to make u psysically sick ... hurl hurl hehehe

my mum lives in vic and i live in qld and i like it that way she never buts in these days ... she just didnt like my ex but then he was also not very nice to her either lost dad a few yrs ago but i can just see him and doug sharing a few beers and enjoying the world.....

dougs mum and dad are wonderful ive never had a prob with them but they are not mum and dad they are telle and lawrie and wonderful people !!

its amazing watching round us u get married and mothers turn into mum in laws from hell when somone dare's to take theire baby away

my soultion as much as it was against my grain ( braught up catholic) im happily living in sin enjoying life and love what i have .... wonderful man good kids and healthy life

hope ur mil is in a better mood today waldo and hope ur all doing well
cheers have a gr8 day

Jules