Where are you???

[Oldgreybeard]

10 weeks in isolation with no visitors leaves bobby an unhappy chappy, but 5 days without a joke being posted is unacceptable

[KBs PensNmore]

Yep, the jokes have been few and far between, even emailed ones, well, the ones that can be placed here anyway.
Kryn

[verawood]

Could be from here???

Friends at 80

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.


Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big b*****s and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[verawood]

A woman comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

The woman says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old, I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

"Your name never came up in the conversation," she replied.

•••

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied, and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife asked as he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

•••

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love," and you answer: "I can't do both."

•••

A husband exclaims to his wife one day: "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

•••

A woman in her 60s went to the doctor for a check-up.

“Doc, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s libido,” she asked.

The doctor smiled. “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

“Doc, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache!” the lady exclaimed.

“Well,” the doctor said, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. Stir it into his coffee. He won’t notice a thing.”

The woman was delighted and hurried home to test the doctor’s idea.

Weeks later, the woman returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked what was wrong.

“Your advice was terrible,” she responded.

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” she said, “It worked alright. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table! It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in that restaurant again!”

[Oldgreybeard]

Should have known that if anyone could Vera would!!

[verawood]

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, stretched apart: ‘Can I have five beers, please?’
•••
A Russian, an American and a Polish man stand by the lake shore.
Suddenly, the Russian yells, ‘Vodka!’ and runs towards the lake. As he jumps in, the water turns to vodka.
The Pole yells, ‘Beer!’ and runs towards the lake, and as he jumps in, the water turns to beer.
The American runs towards the lake and, as he approaches, he slips, sprains an ankle and yells, ‘Crap!’ as he falls into the lake.
•••
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, sipping out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he goes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.’
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way – ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he goes in and orders only two pints. The other regulars notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.’
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, everybody's just fine,’ he says. ‘It's just that I had to quit drinking for health reasons. It hasn't affected my brothers, though.’

•••

Life and beer are very similar ... chill for best results.

•••

A mushroom walked into a pub. He asked the bartender to give him a beer. The bartender said, "I can’t, you’ll get too rowdy." The mushroom said, “Oh come on! When I drink, I’m a fun guy!”

•••

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, ¨Sorry, we don’t serve food here."

•••

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: Olive or twist?

[AlexS]

An imam, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. When the barman asks what they'll have, the rabbit says "I don't know, I'm only here because of predictive text."