Retired husband

[KBs PensNmore]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target stores.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.
5.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
10. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
And last, but not least:
14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

[Tonyz]

These are funny, seen it before and get tempted to try them out, wife said to me you ever do any of those things and its divorce bucko..... hmmmm

[shanesmith80]

Hahaha...

Im definitely trying number 1 and very tempted to do 6.

[Kuffy]

lmao

[Chief Tiff]

Number one reminded me of a visit to Toys R Us 20 years ago when Tickle Me Elmo was first released; a mate I and were standing in front of a huge display wall when we both sort of simultaneously decided to set every as many as we could in one go... the vibrations nearly took down the whole shelving rack!

[KBs PensNmore]

Unfortunately I had to take a couple of them out, as I didn't want to get banned
Kryn

[Big Shed]

Unfortunately I had to take a couple of them out, as I didn't want to get banned
Kryn

And I have just deleted #2 to keep it family friendly

[rwbuild]

#14 in Lows looks tempting

[DaveVman]

An oldie.
A mate once was dragged out shopping in the mall. He spent the entire time acting severely mentally handicapped. She doesn't oblige him to go shopping any more.

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