THE CARVERS STORY

[John Saxton]

Finally and tearfully Maria says to Luigi,"We will have to ask Archie that limp wristed to and from brother of my beautiful carver who secretly cast his peepers over the plans whilst pretending to ingratiate our favours.He and only he the rat-fink Knows the true measurements but we must curry favour to extract those measurements and help the carver out of this dire predicament.

[gazaly]

Meanwhile, across town in Archie the Ratfink's workshop, the final pieces of his work had been finished and he was just about to light his cigar, when Monica walked in......

[Iain]

But back to the custody centre where Ninnie had engaged the services of one of the best legal minds avilable, some research had been conducted and it had been concluded that the the Shellawax incident had all been a set up. Bail was arranged and Ninnie was released on his on recognisanance.
He returned home and found Luigi, Maria, Monica and Archie...
What is going on here, why have I beenset up like this?
Archie stepped forward and without batting an eyelid said..................

[Gino]

You are not worthy of such an appointment.
The Coat of arms job should have been given to me. You Ninnie, were always mummys favorite, but now,I have the ultimate revenge... I have the love of your wife and the respect of that ethnic person luigi (the unbelievable). AND, your wife says I'm better in bed than you are.

[Neil]

"He's lying Nin," sobbed Maria "he's lying. I never went to bed with him. NEVER! So how could he say he was better in bed. It's all a lie."

"Why would the little limp wristed prat say such a thing?" quizzed Ninnie. "WHY???"

"Because that's what she told me, you goose." blurted Archie.

"You liar Arch! YOU LIAR!!" screamed Maria. "I never said you were better in bed. NEVER!! ........ What I said was you were badder than bad. You idiot. BADDER THAN BAD!! Wash your damn ears fool. And as for love you have got to be joking. You jumped up pathetic axcuse of a man. I could never love limp wrister especially one who sleeps with a man called Monica."

"Just as I thought." said Ninnie "Caught out in another lie eh. You just can't help yourself can you. Ya know what really makes my blood boil is the fact that you called Luigi an ethnic and in lower case letters no less. You really are the scum of the earth. Yet I guess I should love you because you are my half brother."

"I remember" said Ninnie, remembering "when my real mum died. I was only 3 years old, and your mum, Mum, took me in and looked after me. I also remember why she liked me best. I was the one who didn't stab her in the chest with a carving knife, by accident. I was also the one who didn't put arsnic in her tea, rat poison in her marmalade, or drop the electric radiator into her bath. All accidently."

"Ah yes" Nin remembered again "those were the happiest 2 weeks of my life. Then she was tragicly taken from us when she accidently exploded whilst trying to get out of that booby trap you made."

"Well Archie. What do you have to say for yourself?"

(Didn't think I was ever gunna find a way outa that on.)

[Iain]

Geez Neil, you reckon some others are sick puppies.

[Chris Longworth]

The wood carver, having been in a very deep sleep, became startled when he felt the hand of his wife Mary on his back as she called to him, “Jack! Wake up, you’re dreaming! Why haven’t you come to bed yet? I have been worried about you.”
With that he sat upright on his stool from the bench that he had been asleep on and said “Mary, I have just had the craziest dream.”
“Don’t worry about it Jack” said Mary “It can wait until the morning, lets get you to bed, you have been working far to hard on this job and I’m not so sure that it’s worth it” and with that she took him to the house for a good night sleep, shutting the work shop behind her.


[This message has been edited by Chris Longworth (edited 22 October 2000).]

[Roger Peine]

What had really unsettled the Woodcarver was, the appearance of the designers in his dream. Limp wristed, long haired designer clothes or not.... these people know all about proportion. The woodcarver was a master at his profession but, he had never heard of "Fibonacci" or even the simpler arithmetic progression. Doubts seemed to hold the woodcarver in an iron like grasp...

[gazaly]

......but she couldn't quite understand the smell of cigars!!!!!!!!

[This message has been edited by gazaly (edited 23 October 2000).]

[John Saxton]

and..... thus..it was that time came to pass that the Mayor and the council reinstated Ninnie the Jack who was wrongly accused and set up by that limp-wristed to and from Archie who had stolen Ninnie the Jacks ideas to promote as his own by making fraudulent claims about a warehouse full of Shellawax polish that was due for sale at the WWW show.
Thereupon Archie was placed in the Iron Maiden to await the pleasures of that evil cigar chewin unercover Monica............

[Roger Peine]

Archies voice could be heard filtering through the buildings air ducts....NOooooo,
NOooooo, please, please DON'T please DON'T.... stop Arrrgghh...DON'T Stop..

[RETIRED]

Now, good people, had we been witness to what was taking place in that room we would have seen that all Archie was bleating about was the fact that Monica was blowing smoke into his face.

Being an ex smoker he had no option but to voice his protestations.

[ubeaut]

"That is a dirty filthy habbit you have Monica." growled Archie "I wish you could find another use for that cigar, instead of blowing the smoke in my face........ Wait what are you doing. Oh Gord " he screamed "No don't put it there, that's just not natural!!!"

With that monica leaned close to him and said ....................

[Roger Peine]

....If i want to put it in the fish tank.....
I will

[John Saxton]

But unknown to Monica, and not being the sharp witted cigar chewin lady of some renown as was previously thought she cast her evil eye over Archie who smiled in his pain and his anger because, seeing that
she had inadvertently placed her two fingers and her cigar into a fish tank where dwelled the dastardly Mayors pet Pirhana's who were having nothing to do with Monicas two finger salute and so consequenly relieved Monica of two fingers, in a feeding frenzy not seen before by the dastardly Mayor, who happened to gaze upon the scene whilst counting the proceeds from the Shellawax Promo,s he had allowed to be strung up across the city streets........