Warning, Physics Content

[rrich]

Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson was at Parade Magazine for a photo shoot. He told the following jokes. If you understand physics they are hilarious.

"A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The Priest says, 'We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here.' The Higgs Boson says, 'But without me there is no mass.'"
(That was coffee up the nose.)

"A photon walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'Do you want a double?' And the photon says, 'No, I'm traveling light.'"

A young fan says to Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, "Have you heard of the band 1020 Megabytes?" Dr. Neil says "No". "Of course you haven't, they haven't got any gigs yet."
(A gigabyte is 1024 Megabytes)

[Carry Pine]

If you like those jokes , you may take the time to scroll through these jokes at:

BNA - Australian Cycling Forums • Login

I can't guarantee you will get them all.

I like this one:

' I'm thinking of freezing myself at -273 degrees Celsius.I know Ill die but I think I will be OK.

CP

[Carry Pine]

or................

A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. He says to barman "How much do I owe you for that?"

The barman says: "For you, no charge."

CP

[rwbuild]

If you like those jokes , you may take the time to scroll through these jokes at:

BNA - Australian Cycling Forums • Login

I can't guarantee you will get them all.

I like this one:

' I'm thinking of freezing myself at -273 degrees Celsius.I know Ill die but I think I will be OK.

CP

Can you copy the jokes for us please, not interested in signing up to a forum that I dont have an interest in, some others may be in the same boat

[Carry Pine]

Sorry rwbuild. Didn't realise you needed to sign in. Here's page 1. More to follow if interested.

A start:

Two atoms were walking down the road, one exclaims to the other in shock "I think I lost an electron!",

the other replies "are you sure?",
"I'm positive



Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side


What do Engineers use as contraception?


Their personality.

There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. They ask him, "What do you think?"

"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and see if it runs."



If Windows were a car
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneouver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protect icon fault" warning light.


8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.


10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.


11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

CP

[rwbuild]

Thanks, just drop a few in for everyone every now and then, laughter is the best medicine

[AlexS]

One from my old science teacher:
Q: "What's the common name for a neutrino?"
A: "They don't have a common name, common people don't use them."

[Carry Pine]

More for rwbuild:

Bert: Went out on a date last night.
Ernie: Who with?
Bert: She's a professor of cryogenics. Absolutely gorgeous.
Ernie: Did you have any luck with her?
Bert: Absolute zero.

Two IT guys were arguing about whether it was possible to mix different RAM chips on the same mother board.
One geek said it couldn't be done under any circumstances.
Geek II said it depended upon the order you inserted the chips. To prove his point he opened his (perfectly functioning) computer and said, "Look, that's the Phil Spector configuration."
"?"
"DDR RAM RAM RAM DDR RAM RAM"

A lady walks into a London pub and asks the barman for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.
The barman replies, "Here you are, that'll be 80p."

What sits on a pirate's shoulder squawking, "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"?
A parroty error.

Where do we get Mercury from?
H.G. Wells.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and
determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and
landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The
pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless
answer."

Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"



A scientist had patented a new space drive, called a Dark Drive, because when it was initiated, the vehicle it was driving was converted into quarks, which were twisted by a powerful magnetic field, so that the stream of quarks warped into another dimension. This warping had the side effects of attracting all the photons within a relatively small radius, hence with the field of operation it got Dark.
He attended a scientific conference one day, when he was shocked to hear another scientist claiming to have invented an exactly similar space drive, although he didn't call it a Dark Drive.
Our inventor confronted the upstart and accused him of stealing his idea. The guy stammered and said that his own device was nothing like the Dark Drive.
Through gritted teeth, our friend said "I sat through your entire description. It warps like a Dark, it torques like a Dark, it quarks like a Dark. It's a Dark."

CP

[Carry Pine]

I'm getting some 'likes' so I'' keep going (and I'm not even a teenager on Facebook!)



Two gates in a computer chip are talking. One gate says to the other "Do you know And or Not?"

One transistor said to another, "I've got to cut down on this germanium crap. It's making me feel dopey

Hey Man,
Dig that cat over there ... he's programming in base 8 ... he's the Octal-Puss

On a clear disk you can seek forever

Help,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now ! monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your stiuation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Who is this General Failure, and what's he doing reading my hard drive?

[Carry Pine]

Why did the Computer Engineer get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)

A bit like the geek who was in the computer room at college in the 80s and noticed a woman getting really frustrated. He walked over and asked if she was having a problem.
"About time! I have been pressing F1 for ages!!!"

Two teletypewriters were sitting in a room.
One said, "You know, nobody ever uses us any more."
The other replied, "Yeah, sitting round doing nothing, I get so baud."

And who was the pin up girl of the early 60's geeks?
Bridgid Baudot

Two nerds sitting in a bar, just hangin' out and telling Baudy stories.

Bicycle Law
All bicycles weigh 25 kg.
* A 10 kg bicycle needs a 15 kg lock and chain.
* A 15 kg bicycle needs a 10 kg lock and chain.
* A 25 kg bicycle needs no lock and chain.

An electron was going through his Baudeville routine "I say, I say, I say, Once I've done my BIT of the show, I'm going to ask my girlfriend to go for a BYTE tweet. Her name is ADA. Pity I'm just a pretty BASIC sort of guy, we just don't seem to speak the language, but she does like it when I give her ear a little NYBBLE, and indulge in a little FOURBIT play. She only goes out with me because she thinks I'm rich; I told her I was a BOOLEANaire. I'd like to settle down and have one or two little binary digits, but she won't agree to get married until I've met her conditions. The list of them seems never ending. AND this, AND that, AND the other, then IF this, IF that, THEN this OR no wedding. All I want to do carry her through the NAND gate. The frustration is just NORing away at me. Sometimes I feel so down all I can do is sit on my own in the corner and FLIP FLOP."

Two fonts walk into a bar.

The barman turned around and says, Hey, you two ... out!! We dont serve your type in here.

Invitation Replies To A Scientist's Ball
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.
Max Planck said he was constantly receiving such things.
William Harvey accepted because he loved to circulate at parties.
Edward Jenner declined, saying a pox upon such gatherings.
Ernst Mach was so keen he arrived before anybody heard his door closing.
Sigmund Freud would come, but he would probably slip away at the first opportunity.
Bill Gates would come if he had a window in his diary.
Alfred Nobel thought the idea of a party of scientists was dynamite.
Nikola Tesla wasn't invited because all he did was coil up in the corner, saying he was feeling caged, although he sometimes sparked off some interesting discussions.
Thomas Newcomen was absolutely pumped at the thought.
Hippocrates took an oath that he would be there.

If you get even half of these jokes:
You can probably blame your parents. Perhaps they thought children should be seen but not nerd.
CP