A letter to the Bank Manager

[MBM888]

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2013, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by personal cheque addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be certified by a Justice of the Peace as a true copy of the original document and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1) to make an appointment to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on.

Sincerely,

A very satisfied customer

[crash486]

If only it would come to pass. LOL

[Tonyz]

Id be banned forever if I reprinted the letters and phone calls to my bank manager on here.

[damian]

I joined my credit union in 93. By 95 I'd ended any other accounts. I am 100% happy.

They have about 10 staff and about 5000 members.

They know me by first name.

I know them by first names.

When I went to buy my first home the manager sat me in his office and spent about 1/2 hour running through all the costs and pitfalls no one else had thought to mention.

They offer competitive rates and minimal fees. Everything is explained clearly and if there is something you aren't sure about they are happy to spend as much time as required to sort you.

I have term deposits, credit card, cheque account savings etc etc. I've had various loans over the last 20 years.

Never a single problem.

I wish I had a dollar for everyone I've told this to over the last 20 years who continues to bank with the big institutions, and another for every excuse they come up with for doing so, and continuing to whinge.

2c.

[RETIRED]

Same here.

[Sturdee]

Never a single problem.

But when they over extend themselves and go bankrupt you've done your dough. At least with the official banks the Reserve Bank is the lender of last resort which means they will step in and ensure the deposits are repaid.

May not happen to your credit union but lots have gone broke during my life time, one just recently in country Victoria where they will only get back about 40 cents in the dollar.

Peter.

[A Duke]

I started with a Building Society, they amalgamated, amalgamated, became a bank, amalgamated with another bank and now taken over by one of the Big Three.
I leave them to it because as has been said by others "If you worry you die, if you don't worry you still die."
Regards

[damian]

But when they over extend themselves and go bankrupt you've done your dough. At least with the official banks the Reserve Bank is the lender of last resort which means they will step in and ensure the deposits are repaid.

May not happen to your credit union but lots have gone broke during my life time, one just recently in country Victoria where they will only get back about 40 cents in the dollar.

Peter.

5000 members mostly old people who have savings and no borrowings. The biggest problem they have had for years is getting members to take out loans. I think they loan excess capital to the majors. Guess it could happen. They are VERY conservative though.

Yeah I've seen CU's and BS do the merger shuffle. Always ends in tears. Smart alec managers and spin doctors coming up with ever more elaborate ways to steal our money.

[hp8]

Yeah I've seen CU's and BS do the merger shuffle. Always ends in tears. Smart alec managers and spin doctors coming up with ever more elaborate ways to steal our money.

Well guess what...now the Government wants to increase tax on super... my motto is spend it while you can... tomorrow may never come....