Pencil

[DavidG]

I bought a pencil for 9 cents.
Once I got it home I opened the package and found a 120-page instruction manual. There were 40 pages in English, 40 pages in French, and 40 in Spanish.
There was also a 6-page addendum with corrections to the manual.
Also in the box was a 2-page disclaimer and outline of the company’s limits of liability.

Yet one more page directed me to an internet site if the pencil failed to work.

As mine was in that category, I fired up the computer.

On the website I discovered that I needed to register in order to gain access to their site content.

I had to come up with a unique user name- one I had never utilized before, or anywhere else, and a password that had to have at least 10 characters.

This password could not repeat any characters in the user name, must be an equal mix of capital letters, numbers, lower case letters and grammatical symbols, and still include (at minimum) 2 letters from the Cyrillic alphabet. After numerous attempts, and the site insinuating my clear lack of intelligence, I got through the sign-on.

I was barraged by 8 pop-up ads, and found my way to the FAQs page. I navigated through only 5 links to find that I was lacking a piece of hardware necessary to operate my pencil.

Another link took me to their ordering area, where I had to sign up with another unique user name, and password I had never used before, nor even considered before.

One of my tries was met with, “YOU CAN NOT USE THIS PASSWORD; YOUR UNCLE HERBERT’S BROTHER-IN-LAW HAD USED THIS PASSWORD ONCE BEFORE HE RETIRED THREE YEARS AGO”.

OK, I ran through their latest gauntlet and was given an order number and tracking number.

Later that same week, I went to the shipper’s website to check the status of my order. I had to register with them, creating a unique user ID and… I called the shipper.

Their recording said my call was important to them, but they were busy helping other customers. My hold time would be about 15 minutes, said the calming voice, but for faster service I should try their internet site.

After 20 minutes of holding, a woman picked up my call. “Hi, this is Sharon, before I help you, let me tell you about our specials today.” I interrupted her and asked where my package was. She told me I didn’t need to be rude, and put me on hold. When she cam back on the line she asked, “In order to protect your privacy, I need your social security number and your mother’s maiden name.”

I asked how this was protecting my privacy. “Sir”, her voice had turned to maple syrup, “anyone could be calling to find out about your shipment.

I only thought ‘how would anyone know I ordered this part and why would anyone care’. I was tempted to ask this but instead told her “never mind”. I believe this was not the first time she had heard this before.

As I was hanging up the phone, I could hear her voice fade away, “Before you go, let me tell you about our special offers good only…”

My package arrived the next day. I opened the box and found a device about the size of a 4-pack of light bulbs.
There was a USB cable and a CD. I put the CD into my computer and ran the install program.

After 10 minutes, my monitor displayed, “THERE WAS AN ERROR ENCOUNTERED WHILE LOADING THIS FILE. PLEASE CLICK here TO LAUNCH YOUR INTERNET BROWSER AND CONNECT TO OUR WEB SITE FOR ASSISTANCE. ERROR 14gX21kkY64:17c”

I had no choice. You already know what I’m going to say- YOU WILL NEED TO CREATE AN ACCOUNT…

I did it. My earlier error, like it was my fault, was due to an update on my computer’s operating system that made it incompatible with this program.

(My real error was buying the stinkin’ pencil in the first place.) I downloaded the patch. I hooked up the cable, I installed the batteries (8 AAA’s) and pushed the non-eraser end of the pencil into the box.

Hallelujah!

There was a whirring noise, and when I removed the pencil the end now had a point on it! Upon closer examination, the pencil had no lead in the middle.

It was just a solid chunk of wood.
I got out the 120-page book.

It said ‘due to different country’s regulations, sometimes it is necessary for us to ship our pencils without the graphite in them.

You may go to our website…’

[Harry72]

Microsoft pencil was it?

[DanP]

I opened the package and found a 120-page instruction manual. There were 40 pages in English, 40 pages in French, and 40 in Spanish.

Obviously it wasn't a Chinese or Taiwanese pencil.

[Kev Y.]

Whats a pencil??????