How to start a fight

[RedShirtGuy]

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
__________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
__________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
__________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
__________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.......

[Jim Carroll]

They are all very good

[Grumpy John]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 100 K's, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started....

The wife came into the lounge room "I want to get bigger breasts and it's going to cost $15000."
"No way, we don't have that sort of money. Wait here"
Off he went and came back a minute later. "Here try this"
"What is it?"
"Toilet paper"
"How is that going to make anything bigger?"
"Well it's done wonders on your butt"
And that's when the fight started...

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

One night, several years ago SWMBO came home from work and told me that she, and several work collegues were going to the Chelsea Heights Hotel (local watering hole) for the Friday Over 28's Night (also known locally as grope a granny night). My reply to this was, "is that the over 28 stone night?" And that's when the s#!t hit the fan.

[RedShirtGuy]

Love 'em.

[BEKKY]

My wife said that she wanted to go spmewher really expensive for her birthday.
So I took her to the local petrol station...