Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
> signed up for your
> 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
> three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
> which I had not
> previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
> monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
> details, so that
> you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek
> to rectify
> these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
> can have some
> entertaining reading material as you while away the working
> day smoking B&H
> and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning or
> notice, resulting
> in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat
> waiting for your
> technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent
> a further 57
> minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the
> even more annoying
> Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
> website.... how? I
> alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with
> my testicles for
> a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both
> familiar and
> highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place >
> some two weeks
> later, although the technician did forget to bring a number
> of vital tools -
> such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my
> cable modem had
> still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15
> telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of
> six weeks
> after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the
> downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are
> usually the
> hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and
> most of the
> useful periods over the weekend.
>
> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
> telephone
> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have
> been unhelpfully
> transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who
> are it seems also
> highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
> telephone line
> is available (and someone will call me back), that no
> telephone line is
> available (and someone will call me back), that I will be
> transferred to
> someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
> available (and then
> been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who
> knows whether or
> not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected
> to an answer
> machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will
> be transferred
> to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
> available (and then
> been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... )
> and several
> other variations on this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have
> at least a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
> another one of
> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
> Frankly I don't
> care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
> frustrations in
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>
> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ,
> that they had
> attained the holy -pot of god-awful customer relations,
> that no-one,
> anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
> obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's
> why I chose
> NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How
> surprised I
> therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
> dissatisfaction and
> disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly
> are. You are
> sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest
> order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like
> brilliant
> beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
> limitless inadequacy.
>
> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
> foolhardy quest to
> receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do
> likewise, and
> cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> eliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
> hilarity and
> disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced
> by derision,
> and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
>
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from
> my cats litter
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
> both you, and
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at
> the time of
> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
> Consider them the
> very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's
> worthless employees.
>
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.