A Common Story

[Geoff Sims]

TO: ALL STAFF

SUBJECT: EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAMME


Due to the current economic situation, management has decided to reduce the company’s workforce and, in order to facilitate this decision, has devised a Reduction of Employees Programme. Under this plan, older employees will be placed in early retirement, permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company.

A plan to phase out the older employees (over 40) by the end of the current financial year will be put into effect immediately. This programme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that while they are RAPED, they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the programme will be known as SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may apply for a final review. This phase will be known as STUFFED (Study of Termination of Use For Further Education and Development).

Programme policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but can get STUFFED as many times as the management sees fit.

The Manager

[Gino]

you must be a realist Geoff.