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  1. #1
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    Default The Olympics in London

    The amusing emails one gets. LOL

    Subject: Olympics 2012


    After the violence of the past few days, the Olympics Committee has revised some of the events for the 2012 (London) Olympics:

    OPENING CEREMONY

    The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

    THE EVENTS

    In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT

    Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

    110 METRES HURDLES

    As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

    HAMMER

    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

    FENCING

    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

    SHOOTING

    A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

    BOXING

    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS

    Competitors will be asked to break into the Queen Mary and Westfield University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT

    As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON

    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

    SWIMMING EVENTS

    All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

    THE MARATHON

    A safe route has yet to be decided.

    MEN'S 50KM WALK

    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be ... mincing

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY
    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler .
    Cheers Fred



    The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with the light on.
    http://www.redbubble.com/people/fredsmi ... t_creative"

    Updated 26 April 2010
    http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

  2. #2
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    Default

    Fred

    I'm sorry, but in light of the of the terror, loss of homes and business, people who lost their lives, I don't find this funny at all.

    In fact I find it offensive and think it's sick.

    Suggest you consider removing it.

    Tim
    Some days I turns thisaway, somedays I turns thataway and other days I don't give a stuff so I don't turn at all.

  3. #3
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    Default

    Fred humour is the Pom's best friend

    Its been great to see communities rise up and get in and clean up

  4. #4
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tim the Timber Turner
    ... I don't find this funny at all.
    I find it hilarious because, like most good humour, there's an element of truth and accuracy about it. I also realise that it's a joke.

    Ray

  5. #5
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    Default

    Well I found it funny...
    ...but together with the coffee civility flowed back into him
    Patrick O'Brian, Treason's Harbour

  6. #6
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    Default

    With this I think the synchronised swimming event might even be interesting
    regards
    Nick
    veni, vidi,
    tornavi
    Without wood it's just ...

  7. #7
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tim the Timber Turner View Post
    Fred

    I'm sorry, but in light of the of the terror, loss of homes and business, people who lost their lives, I don't find this funny at all.

    In fact I find it offensive and think it's sick.

    Suggest you consider removing it.

    Tim
    I'm sorry you find this offensive Tim it wasn't meant to offend anyone.
    Cheers Fred



    The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with the light on.
    http://www.redbubble.com/people/fredsmi ... t_creative"

    Updated 26 April 2010
    http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

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