Australian Tourism

[simon c]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville! and Hervey Bay? (USA)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-Meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[Iain]

Had a second cousin come out to Oz from the UK and we took him camping for an extended weekend, the bull KOala's (related to drop bears I beleive) were making a hell of a racket one night and we convinced him they were Bunyips hunting Aboriginals and if there were none around they would seek out our camp.
We also told him that snakes would not cross a trail of salt and when we got up in the morning he had a snakeproof ring around his tent.
All in all, a very good weekend.

[AlexS]

My daughter & a couple of her friends had a poor testosterone-charged Argentinian exchange student leaving out cans of beer at night so the Tasmanian devils would take them instead of coming into his tent and attacking him, while doing Cradle Mt.-Lake St.Claire.

Jow104 should, of course, be aware that everything in the first post is absolute fact.

[DaveInOz]

When explaining drop bears to a new yorker I took the trouble to explain he wouldn't be bothered by hoop snakes as the area was fairly flat. he was much relieved.

Interesting thing is the truth (not that anything in this tread is not gospel truth) is FAR scarier. 10 of the top 11 most poisonus snakes in the world are here, not to mention the deadly spiders, octopus, jellyfish, sharks etc etc
It is amazing that we survive long enough to freak out tourists with drop bears, hoop snakes and bunyips!!

[Iain]

Alex, with a bit of cunning, you may be able to convince John that he needs a visa to enter Vic as a result of the new terrorist strategies implemented by the federal gov of late

[LineLefty]

10 of the top 11 most poisonus snakes in the world are here

I often hear that quote although its usually 9 out of the top 10, or really 9 out of the top 9.

Who is the intruder, the rattle snake?

[DaveInOz]

While I'm sure this has been posted befor, and was released for the Sydney Olympics much of it is still relevant and presented her for the education of our overseas visitors


When in the water at Bondi, always be sure to wave enthusiastically to
the lifeguard, so he'll know exactly where you are

The tolls on the harbour bridge are voluntary. You should only
contribute if the toll officer sings for you, or at the very least plays
an instrument.

When visiting the top restaurant Rockpool, be sure to joke with Neil
Perry about how he lost his Good Food Guide hats last year. Neil is very
relaxed about it, and finds the jokes "hilarious".

It is traditional to bargain with Sydney taxi drivers over the fare. On
no account pay what is on the meter, as this will be sure to cause
offence.

Before attempting the traditional climb of the Opera House sails, always
remove your shoes.

Money lost at the Star City Casino is refundable at the end of the
night. Just have a word to one of the kindly security guards.

You'll find Kerry Packer's luxury yacht, Arctic P, moored in the
harbour. Just clamber aboard, as Kerry loves surprises.

The Olympic "Clearway" lanes are kept completely clear of traffic so as
to provide cheap parking.

The monorail is no longer in service. The metal track, though, is now
available to American visitors for rollerblading, or simple sunbaking.

When surfing at Bondi, do not be surprised if a hooter sounds and the
swimmers around you head for the shore. This is a local custom to allow
our visitors to have uncrowded enjoyment of the waves.....and if you
happen to have a shark appear - they are very tame and love to be patted
on the nose.

Sydneysiders love to hear constructive feedback especially if given with
our favourite accent: British. If you can think of any way to improve
our city - perhaps in your country you've found a better way to do
something - tell the Sydneysiders you meet in as much detail as you can.
They'll thank you for it.

Tourists crossing the Harbour Bridge will be pleased to know that Bureau
de Change offices are installed in all lanes, where you can change your
home currency for Australian dollars. Feel free to haggle to get the
best exchange rate.

Sydney has vibrant drinking houses and a lively tradition to match.
Join in the fun by following a local custom - after every third drink,
catch the eye of as many people as possible and call out loudly, "It's
my shout!".

Parliament House is open to the public .....From the Public Gallery it
is possible to see one of Australia's finest actors, Robert Carr,
perform in the role of Abraham Lincoln.

If sunburnt while in Sydney. A good remedy is to sleep naked between
fresh bed sheets, which have had a hand full of Bondi sand sprinkled
liberally between them.

While bathing in the Harbour remember that any Jelly Blubbers you may
swim into can be used to beef up your bra or sluggo size. These
do-it-yourself beauty enhancements come in many different sizes and
colours and are GST free.

Keep an eye out for one of the hundreds of delightful creatures that
decorate our beautiful beaches, The Blue Bottle. You'll have hours of
fun picking these creatures up by the tail and swinging overhead.

Visitors to Sydney will notice a unique road service provided to assist
tourists: special sightseer lanes on the Harbour Bridge and elsewhere,
marked B-U-S, which stands for Banned Unless Sightseeing.

Don't worry about getting to the station early - Sydney trains always
run on time.

The 'T" lane means Tourist Lane, so that Tourists can stop on the
Harbour Bridge to look at the Opera House.

Small silver scooters are ubiquitous throughout the city and are
provided free by the State Transit Authority....just approach someone
riding one and ask them firmly to give up the scooter...they may
protest...but don't be put off. You may need to physically wrestle the
scooter from the other rider.

Unless you have 'top cover' travel insurance, do not attempt to drive
across the Harbour Bridge as the trip up and over the arch is extremely
hazardous.

Should any visitors have any problems when travelling please call 9333
1000 where the large number of helpful staff will offer all advice and
assistance.

Vegemite is a very mild flavoured chocolate for putting on bread. To
fully appreciate it you should spread it at least 1 inch thick.

Most Australian families leave all their clothes at the front door (a
bit like the Japanese do with their shoes). If you are invited to an
Aussie's home, disrobe as soon as you enter the front door.

When a local says he's going to "shoot through" take it literally and
run for your life.

If you want to see kangaroos, stand on George Street at 5.05 pm and
yell "cooee" five times - reminding them to come out of their burrows
under the Queen Victoria Building.

When visiting the Opera House - rows A to K are best for mobile phone
reception and for flash photography....

The viewing windows from the Sydney Harbour Tunnel are open to the
public outside peak hour. The best access is via the southbound tunnel:
parking is provided at intervals along the tunnel.

Due to the huge number of international tourists visiting our city and
touring around the countryside, the government has decided to
temporarily amend the road rules. All tourists will be allowed to drive
on the right side of the road until the end of the Olympics.

The locals at Bondi Beach have invented their own competition. So far
Mark from Ireland has managed to consecutively hit 4 tennis balls
directly onto the volleyball court from the beach. Anyone who beats this
record will have their name recorded in the local newspaper's special
Olympic edition......

[Kev Y.]

Now I know why I will never go to Sydney. too many rules to follow!

[nik]

Well dave, I done what you said about Kerry Packer's boat and he wansn't too happy. When I hopped aboard his fine vessel his bodyguard comes upto me and hit's me over the back of my head, i fall to the ground and pass out cold. Then when I wake up I'm back here in Queensland and my kidney is missing...I wonder who took it????? Any idea's?

[AlexS]

Alex, with a bit of cunning, you may be able to convince John that he needs a visa to enter Vic as a result of the new terrorist strategies implemented by the federal gov of late

Will do Iain, I think the resignation of our state treasurer had something to do with it too, didn't it?

[bitingmidge]

You blokes are so unkind to our fellow man.


But then, I may or may not have been part of the reason that a bunch of Canadian blokes out here for the wedding of a mate's daughter, sat quietly for hours out in the dunes one cold Stradbroke Island bucks night, waiting to see if they could catch a glimpse of a QANTAS....you know those little white kangaroos with the wings.

Another seppo surfer visitor sat out a whole session a couple of years ago. The timing was impeccable:

Boards waxed and wetsuits on just at the waters edge when the rescue chopper flew overheading north.

It's port (red) navigation light was blinking.

I said "Oh that's interesting...the shark warning light's on...." and proceeded into the water while the ashen faced Seppo decided discretion was the better part of valour and he'd sit it out.

Didn't tell him till the next day either!!


P

[Iain]

And I thought I was being a right bastard