Q.) Why won't a shark attack a lawyer?
A.) Professional courtesy.

Q.) How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A.) His lips are moving.

Q.) What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A.) Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q.) Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
A.) New Jersey got first choice.

Q.) What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A.) God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q.) What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A.) Nobody cries when they chop up a lawyer

Q.) Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A.) Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q.)If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
...... would you go to lunch or read the paper?