lawyers

[Rod Smith]

TRUE STORIES: ACTUAL LAWYER QUESTIONS
(maybe not the last one)
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials, and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."


Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30pm."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

AND FINALLY:

Q: "Doctor: before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhwere."

[coastie]

Thats why we pay barristers etc $1000 an hour!!!
QCs more!!

[Kev Y.]

you realize that scientists are now using Lawyers for some of their experiments................................................................................IT seems that there are SOMETHINGS rats will not do!.

[AlexS]

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a European Carp?

A. One's a bottom-dwelling, muck-raking, sludge sucking vermin, and the other's a fish.

Hope I don't get sued for that.

[Sandy Johnston]

What can a Goose do...

...a Duck can't do..

...and Lawyers should do.....


...Stick their Bill up their .

[Iain]

What do you call 5000 lawyers on the ocean floor?
A good start.

From he who has suffered years of torment from these parasites.

------------------
: http://community.webshots.com/user/iain49

[Bazza]

This story appeared in our local paper.

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, and without having made his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires”.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won.
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous, however; the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss in the “fires”.

Now for the best part…After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00
fine.

Apparently this is a true story and was the first winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

[AlexS]

Criminal lawyers...now there's a tautology.

[Rod Smith]

G'day
Bazza, I think that one might be an urban legend? I did hear it years ago. Never know though. Good laugh anyway.
Cheers
Rod