.....Woodchuck killing ironbark chuck-donger with the spiked end and serrated.........
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.....Woodchuck killing ironbark chuck-donger with the spiked end and serrated.........
.... teeth. Whereby, he promptly swung his now infamous tool in all directions killing off any remaining character to this story. Realising what had happened, our feindish blood thirsty assailant then connected himself to the 240 volt power supply of the lathe and 'terminated' himself. Thus boys and girls, This brings us to the END of our delightful short story.
-------------------------THE (bloody) END-------------------------------------
(NOW START A NEW STORY FOR HEAVENS SAKE!)
As the 240 volts surged thru his body like a raging torrent his whole life appeared before his eyes. All the things he had wrong, all the things he had done right. And then thru the mist there appeared before him a vision. A vision of......................
....... death as an angle of the woodies world appeared. That's why the story ended here, because there ain't no more dribble to tell.
----------------------------THE END (AGAIN)------------------------------
one particularly poignant flashback recalled him as a child of 5 sitting on the bench in his dads shed listening and learning as his dad gave a comentary of advice, while he deftly manufactured a ..........
...a wonderous candle-stick holder with provision for 6 candles aranged in a...........
circular fashion about the bench and a priest to use on ..........
...sundays to.....
... drown liitle babies in stagnent water and force bits a make believe bread and watered down plonk down the throats of unsuspecting church going public. Yuk, fancy being told your eating a dead persons body and blood! That gives me the creeps!
At least canibals eat people that are recently deceased, not left on the shelf for 2000 or so years.
thinking of that other famous carpenter (not Karen) jolted our hero to recolections of his time as an apprentice working for ....
.... G.O.D (Girls On Dykes inc) building an ark. It was to a grant ark too, measuring 20 cubits by 40 cubits, with three decks a gaming loundge and three swimming pools! Trouble was, nobody knew what a "cubit" was as this is the year 2003 and a cubit was a measurement of ancient biblical times. So .........
...Noah in his wisdom consulted that fount of all knowledge on things made of wood; the prophet St Neil, (or U to give him his biblical title)
"Behold said U, I have been up the mount and brought forth "The Polishers Bible" If you consult page 170 all your questions will be answered, for page 170 contains all the important measurements known to man"
And the apprentice Noah was verily pleased and forthwith, forsooth, did.......
As apprentices do, crafted himself a highly polished rule divided into cubits, centicubits and milicubits with which to
measure the foundations for the said "floating gin palace". Sadly for the young aprentice, the plans were read down-side-up, so the magnificent boat became the world's first multi-story entertainment centre with a curved, boat-shaped roof, in which were held ........
.... a variety of high-rollers brough forth into the Ark two-by-two of which included his ......
very well known two lovely young ladies from previous days disguised as beautiful birds trying to get back into the story only to be confronted by their old adversary Dazza who promptly....................
....declared them to be ilegal imigrants and consigned them to a holding cage at the new facility at Womera where they would be........
... incarcerated for the remainder of this story, never to heard from again. Meanwhile back on the new improved inverted "floating Gin Palace", the stakes were high as a new member of the 'High-Rollers' club layed .........
...siege to the gaming tables where they cast lots for the honour of being the first to..........
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(Thank heavens those dashed blondes have gone for a while!)
unincarcerate the young ladies from their place of incarceration and the one to win the honour was....
Roger the lodger who had his sights well and truly set on................
... sending the two lassies to Hong Kong and dye a from a Herion overdose while being pounded on a Hong Kong materess all night long. But I digress, for more recently our "Floating Gin Palace" had sprung a leak. This wasn't hard seeing as the whole boat was built upside down! So once again, Captain Smith (former Captain of the Titanic) was awe struck that he is again ....
...the master of a vessel that is to disapear, almost without trace, into the pages of history books, only to surface again on a buliten board where the readers are obsessed with wood, splinters and......
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(I can see them, they are just around the corner!!!!)
bull (sorry) saw dust, generated by a unknow number of noise producing machines that these afor mentioned woodies idolise, and would.............
....cause them to completely ignore the charms of the aforementioned, aforementioned young ladies, who were trying to take the minds of the aforementioned woodies off their tools, in order that they might......
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.Confused?:confused:
...lure them into their den of iniquity, thereby enabling them to.....
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Hang about, didn't we kill off this pair of females a couple of days ago in Hong Kong??????
rise from the grave (there you go Mr Hill) so that they might once more............
go in search of the chivalrous woody and poet lorrakeet sir knucklehead so that they can...
down a few glasses of coona while applauding the exciting ..........
...and confusing antics of Stoppers, who is desperately trying to get his new(?) boat to float upside down, having been told by the vendor that he always did it that way, but........
....as he was having little luck with the process, he went to consult an expert in the form of Admiral Nelson who was to be found in............
a rum sodden state trying to slip into Lady Emma Hamiltons..
....Chicken coup. Not only was our Admiral blind in one eye but the other eye was blind drunk and as his sense of smell was also a little worse for wear he mistook the chicken coup for the good Lady's........
an lead the way into a bright future, in every yard a boat, and in every shed a panel saw.
This being his platform for election he was soundly routed and returned to life on the wooden boats, sextant in one hand and hand plane in the other.
Meanwhile Doorstop had figured how to right his sculpure in wood, titled mans inhumanity to boats, and was trying desperatly to .....
doorstop had always been one to split hairs (until he found it was a finite resource). Spelling had always made him pull his hair out, no of course he was reduced to tugging ineffectually at the curly ones that sprang from his ears.
Bearing this in mind he strode the deck of his well spelt but dodgily constructed boat singing ....
..... "My bonney lies over the ocean, my bonney lies over the sea, my daddy lay over my mummy and that's how I came to be. Oh bring back, bring back, oh bring back my mummy to me, to me ...... repeatedly until ......
..went off to the equator to build bridges under which he could sail his little boat. Because everyone knows the schoolboy howler
'The equator is a menagerie lion that runs round the earth'.
Having discovered that the market for girders or lions was very limited our hero went back into the depths of the south east of South Oz (where his roots lay) in an attempt to find the two,or was it three, buxom wenches who started this saga so that.....
.. he could finally root out the source of this damned itch that had been troubling him since he....
Johnno 2
..got too close to a furry little thing and ended up with a plague of fleas that.........