Story time with uncle Dave

...Jacuzzi. (Don't these carvers have fun!) I'll then be able to......

ensure you get a real buzz as I plug in my Dremil while still in the Jasuzzi. This should..............

...carve all night, or until I run out of.............

wood and then........

........ I can anointe you both with "U-beaut EEE" buffing my fresh carving of all four.......... I mean two of your fine forms with a soft cloth. After this I can present both of you .......

real mens stuff like brilcream, Y fronts, FJ Holdens and.....

....As this is suposed to be a woodworking thingo, the latest in wood butchering saws and stuff.....

...... which brings us to a much asked question. Should I use "U-Beaut" Shellawax after using EEE or is Carnauba Wax far better?

......... collect all 52 pieces of the now destroyed project. Needless to say ..........

......it will make an excelent fire to cook the left-over bits from the polishing expurt, especially if they are added to a broth of lizzerd's gizzerds and........

and a large helping of common sense.Youz guys have really lost the plot haven't yez.https://www.ubeaut.biz/suicide.gif

At this point the 2 maidens said we're out of this story cos yous guys are a bunch of crazys and most of yous have only got one thing on your mind and it isn't woodwork. We think yez should all......

.....lock yourselves in your sheds and play with your tools 'til bedtime. Then if you're very good, maybe, we will....

...... let you turn a nice piece of Mulga burl to make a unique platter or even a vase.

....going to be a real feat of endurance but nowhere near as bad as it was for her having to look after us childeren when we......

..... were just little splinters. Oh, the times we had causing havoc and kaos with our pet blue heeler dog gettin' in front of flamin' big Thermodyne Mack trucks and sniffin' the back ends of ........

easy coz otherwise she will belt the bejeezus outa me for being so......

..... FXST.......I think you are out of character here. What to try again?

What is going on here. Are you lot on a different forum, or is it me ?( No rude answers please)

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Anyway, back to the plot.
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Our two heroines, after many very scary adventures have now decided to give up the idea of finding a sane woody, and have gone off to.....

.......go skinny-dipping at Bondi beach and see if they can attract any...........

..... white pointers. Of course our babes of the Woodies are from the "smart state" and apply a liberal coat of +33 ...........

which has absolutely no effect on white pointers. "smart state" indeed. The poor girls should hitch a ride a big Kenny ( no Macks) and head west so they can ..............

....check out the biters in the Great Aussie Bight and then have a roll in the.......

.... saw dust and shavings. (I'm trying to bring it back to woodwork stuff here ) It's much better than hay or staw as the little storks of straw don't get stuck up their ........

....delicate bits, where as sawdust gets into evrything, thereby requiring a relaxing bath and a good.......

story line, where the 2 ladies is treated wif the respect that the woodworkers of this world are famous for, not the gutter insinuations thet some of youz weekend worriers are trying to push. https://www.ubeaut.biz/fireface.gif

The ladies at this point left the story for good, vowing never to return to it cos they was sick of been demeaned. https://www.ubeaut.biz/waving.gif It was then that the story took on a new and exciting turn back into the realm of woodwork.

Knuckles the enforser, poet lorriet and lowsy spellar entered upon the scene brandishing one of his beautifully turned and polished, face rearrangers, https://www.ubeaut.biz/smilebash.gif and promptly.....

had it snatched from his hand by one of the beautiful young ladies who, apon forcing the polished face rearranger into a place it was not intended to go, insisted that they remain in the story as it was indeed theirs and they wanted to................

.........to see Knuckles and Macca belt each other with the finely turned lump of whatever. Meanwhile, back at the demented woodworkers home, those of us suffering from oldtimers syndrome were thinking of what might have been if we had just....

... sniff some more mixture of Organ Oil and thinners. But alass, this was not to be for time waits for no wood-chuck, as nobody realy knows how much wood a wood-chuck can chuck, even if a wood-chuck could chuck wood. That's why we woodies are easy enough people, going with the flow and lementing about the one who must be obeyed. Thus our attention is often turned to the two bodacious babes that were bathed, carved and the pronmptly ......

..cuttings to grow into a whole new crop of little woodies and

... with the depth of wisdom like American Walnut, yet the hardness of virtues like Western Australian Jarra with just a hint of sweetnes like Rose Mahogany, will step forth into this world to nurture a whole new race of........

Woodchucks who will.......

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PS It is common knowledge that Woodchucks can't chuck wood, so the answer to the previous question as to how much wood would they chuck, is:

A Woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a Woodchuck would if a Woodchuck could chuck wood, but a Woodchuck can't chuck wood so a Woodchuck wouldn't chuck as much wood as a Woodchuck would chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood.:D And that's a fact!;)

...chuck wood until.....

... wood on his wood chuck, because everyone knows that a Woodchuck ......

wood chuck wood if he could...



Johnno 2

stop the woodchucks acting like woodducks and get on with...........

.... Carba-Tec, as the most expensive and over rated wood chuck vendor. So our fellow wood chucking Woodchucks went to .....

( stiff bickies Macca! )

the kitchen where mother duck made them a nice cup of tea with a couple of stiff bikies to calm their shattered woodchuck nerves before they.................

...order some of that stuff to make all that wood that the woodchucks chucked, all shiny and slippery so that it would slip easil and quickly into ....
.
.
(What the hell am I talking about. :confused: )

... the orifaces. Thereby making a solid tenion joint for the table they were making of fine Australian Cedar with a centre feature carving of a ........

woodworker, tired, confused, bleary eyed and defiantly brandishing his....................