sarcastic Australians

Questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
and
obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact
for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night
in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is
smaller than the male population? (Italy).
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk
is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1966 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: yes and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: yes, but you'll have to learn it first.