The lawn mower, the electric fence and me.
We have the standard 6 foot fence in our backyard, and after hearing about numerous, recent, burglaries in our neighborhood, I decided to try & prevent my wife & I, from becoming just "another statistic",……..So,…….I had the following brainwave………
I purchased an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of our fence. In fact,…I actually got the biggest cattle charger, our local Tractor Supply Store had in stock. It was designed for 26 miles of fencing. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod, I was told, is apparently *the key*, as the more you have in the ground, the better the fence is supposed to work.
So,….last week, I was mowing the grass in our back yard, with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower, when I noticed the darn hot wire was broken and laying out in the yard. As I was SURE, I had unplugged the charger, before I went outside, I just pushed the mower around the wire, then reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. Turns out, however,…..that I apparently had NOT, remembered to unplug the charger, after all !!!!!!…….
So,…..there I stood,….the lawnmower running in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. (now keep in mind, the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover).
Well,……..time stood still………. The first thing I noticed was my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body….. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain……… Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally "at one", with the dang lawnmower engine !!!
It seems as though the fence charger and that piece of crap lawnmower, were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Now,….although science says,…………you cannot crap, pee, and vomit, all at the same time, I beg to differ………….Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied three different times, in less than half of a second !!!……. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality, it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand !!!
At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire,…. palm side down, so I couldn't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences…..but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled……
This one I could not let go of !! The 8 foot long ground rod, was now accepting signals from me, through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point, I am thinking I am going to have to just man-up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas……… "Oh, Damn!!",…… I thought,……..as I remembered I just filled the dang tank !!……..
Now,.. the lawnmower was starting to run rough. It had settled into a loping run pattern, as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and vomit on my chest, I am thinking: "Oh God,… please just let it die… pleeeease…." But oh nooooo,……….it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle very nicely and remained there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot……..
So there I stood, in the middle of June, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to just kill me…..
Well,…….God did not take me that day…..he left me there, covered in my own fluids, to writhe in the misery, my own stupidity had created !!!
I honestly don't know *how*, I got loose from the wire……I woke up, laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume, I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things:
1. Three of my teeth seemed to have kinda melted.
2. I had cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek,…(not the left one, just the right)
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not actually smell as bad as one might think….
4. My left eye would not open…..
5. My right eye would not close…….
6. The lawnmower is now running perfectly…..seriously !!…I think our little session, must have cleared out some carbon or something, because it ran better than when it was new after that !!
7. My testicles are still smaller than average, but are now almost a foot long…….
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room, by farting while thinking of the number 4 …( I still don't understand this???)
Yes,…….that day changed my life forever….I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always *triple-check* to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow the grass.
The good news is,.. that if a burglar *does* try to come over the fence, I can clearly truly visualize, what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me, to triple check before I mow the grass !!!!..
