This weeks funnies

Registration on the first day back at school in Leicester England:
Teacher asks Mustafa Al Sheriah
"Here"
Teacher asks Ahmed El Sheriah
"Here"
Teacher asks Fatima El Bindiri
"Here"
Teacher asks again Ali Acmah Shabeeb
"Here"
Teacher asks Ali Sun Al En
No answer
Teacher asks again Ali Sun Al En
No answer again
Teacher asks yet again Ali Sun Al En
Little girl at the back stands up and says "it's pronounced Alison Allen."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."