Confidential Reports

The Australian Army follows many British traditions. One of these is an annual Confidential Report for Officers. The purpose of the reports was to assess how well (or badly) an individual had performed over the past year. There are a number of different areas on the form and a final summary. Some reports have been submitted with only the final summary inked in and these ones make for interesting reading.

1. This officer dances well.

2. This officer should not be bred from.

3. The only reason soldiers follow this officer is from a sense of idle curiosity.

4. He sets consistently low goals and fails to achieve them.

5. His presence in my unit robs some village of its idiot.

6. I have seen this officer drunk. {After the said officer protested it was changed to} I have seen this officer sober.

7. He was an old woman when he arrived and has aged considerably since then.

Another one was:

This officer is using navy ships to transport his genitals from port to port.

I always believe that if you cant say anything nice you shouldnt say anything at all, so a confidential report i wrote on one of my soldiers was

"Corporal ........ is definitely not taking performance enhancing drugs."

Doug