laudable quotes

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -

every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said
' Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired
by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

A few of my favourites:-


Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.
Evan Esar


It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true.
Bertrand Russell


Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Henry David Thoreau


If a man speaks his mind in a forest and no woman can hear him is he still wrong?
Unknown


I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.
Pablo Picasso


What is your host's purpose for the party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
P.J. O'Rourke


Either we are alone in the universe, or we are not. Either thought is frightening.
Arthur C. Clarke


Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.
Thomas A Edison


Mighty proud I am that I am able to have a spare bed for my friends.
Samuel Pepys


Try not. Do or do not!! There is no try.
Yoda




Finally:


It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
Sir Winston Churchill


Mark