The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.<O:p
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that Buddy. I was here first!"<O:p
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. <O:p</O:p
I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk; there are sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a ``For Sale`` sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.<O:p
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.<O:p
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
<O:p</O:p
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro
for sale?"<O:p</O:p
"Yes it is."<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"<O:p</O:p
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."<O:p</O:p
I said, "What's your name?"<O:p</O:p
"My name is Don Hansen."
<O:p</O:p
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"<O:p</O:p
"I'm home in the evenings."<O:p</O:p
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"<O:p</O:p
"Yes."<O:p</O:p
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.<O:p</O:p
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.<O:p</O:p
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.<O:p</O:p
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."<O:p</O:p
I yelled "You're a jerk!", but I didn't hang up.<O:p</O:p
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
<O:p</O:p
I said, "Yeah.."<O:p</O:p
He said, "Stop calling me."<O:p</O:p
I said, "No."<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"<O:p</O:p
I said, "Don Hansen."<O:p</O:p
"Where do you live?"
<O:p</O:p
"<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[img] /><st1:Street w:st=[/img]<st1:address w:st=" /><st1:Street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">1802 West 34th Street</st1:address></st1:Street>. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."<O:p</O:p
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."<O:p</O:p
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.<O:p</O:p
Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!"<O:p</O:p
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."<O:p</O:p
"You'll what?"<O:p</O:p
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.<O:p
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was <O:pat <st1:Street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">1802 West 34th Street</st1:address></st1:Street> and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the Gang war going on down <st1:Street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">W. 34th Street</st1:address></st1:Street>. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to <st1:Street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">34th Street</st1:address></st1:Street> to watch the whole thing. Glorious
If you want to watch two jerks kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
